Karma, maybe?

Tonight is a great night for me. As I come upon the week of Thanksgiving I begin to reflect. After Thanksgiving, there is Christmas which is definitely the most wonderful holiday ever. And then you have time for New Years and the resolutions for the new year.  So every Thanksgiving I begin my inventory.  It starts with all my blessings, thanks to the nature of the holiday, and then I ask myself what I have done with this year and the blessings I have received.  This year has been a complete and total roller coaster.  Like crazy, not allowed at Disneyland type roller coaster. I have had moments where I could have been better, but overall I made some miraculous and imperative changes in my life this year.  It has taken a lot of work and a lot of patience and a lot of faith.  Overall, I can truly say I'm actually proud of myself. I'm in a really good place and I am so happy. Life has presented challenges and I have put myself through the ringer and although I know I'm not perfect AT ALL, I stilll have the right to feel proud, right? 

On that note, I am so thrilled about my football teams.  This may seem extremely trivial and stupid, but I was able to attend a Razorback game a couple weeks ago and I was filled with so much happiness as I watched the great team of Arkansas fight so hard to obtain their well deserved ranking.  They have had a rough year of losing Kniles Davis and then having three top defensive players out during the Alabama game to now losing a player to death.  Yet, they continue to show up. My Niners are also doing awesome.  It may seem stupid to be so excited about football, but my life is full of memories of this great sport.  

I am so thankful for the joy that is brought to us in all different ways.  Whether its a beautiful flower, a phenomenal sunset, or a 98 yard punt return by Joe Adams, life can have its moments of perfection.  There will always be trials.  But finding joy in life is as easy or as difficult as we want it to be.  

I am hoping my teams continue to move forward, because as I stated in my title...I'm hoping Karma will work its magic and my teams will hit the top.  :) Woo Pig Sooie. and Who's got it better than us? Nobody?

Two best sayings of the year. 

Love is the Heart of the World

I just wanted to give an update of my life.  I'm obsessed to say the least with Lady A's song "Heart of the World", which is why it's my title to this blog, but it also completely describes how I feel about life right now.
I have always loved the human body and studying it.  My favorite body organs are the heart and the brain. The past several years I have done a lot of research on both of these organs.  The heart is an incredible muscle.  It is the way the rest of our body works. It provides the foundation for which our brain can receive oxygen, along with giving cells to the rest of the body.  Yes, I know the body all works together but the heart is truly remarkable.  In this way, relate love as being the heart of the world.  It is the driving force for keeping the world in motion.  I loveeeee loveeeeee loveeeeee this song by Lady A. I listen to it at least nine times a day.
So with that, my life is pretty much revolving around that notion.  Love is the heart of the world.  I've realized that love truly can be the greatest force this world has.  Whatever it is you love will drive you to do great things or not so great things.  Thankfully, I'm on the greater end of things right now.
I have the time of my life living with the Simpsons.  I haven't felt so much peace in so long.  We are super busy and things can get pretty crazy, but there isn't a second I would trade.  Dakota is an all-star at school.  He's doing a phenomenal job of growing up.  He is so responsible and so willing to help and so strong in his faith.  I am so proud of him. I remember holding him as a baby and thinking life can't get any better.  He's growing into a wonderful young man.  Gage is, well Gage.  He is the most chill, laid back kid ever until you put him on the football field. Dang, can that boy play. It's insane. I'm determined he is the next Tyler Wilson :) He is such a sweet boy and I'll never forget the days of rocking that sweet baby to sleep. Karaline is the GIRL.  She is all girl. She has the most adorable clothes ever and is a walking magazine cause she is so adorable. She is silly as can be and is so much fun.  She makes me smile so much. I loveee to watch her at gymnastics.  Brings back good ol memories for me. And then we get to Carson. Oh gees.  What to say..he is the funniest kid I have ever been around in my life.  He makes up stories like you wouldn't believe.  His imagination is like a movie. Every story is this elaborate detailed longgggg conversation in his head.  and he gets the CUTEST look on his face.  Oh I just love it. He is a game player and puzzle maker and book reader. And Wyatt and Katie are just incredible examples to me.  They are such good parents.  Everything is focused on the family and Gospel.  There is so much love in this house.
I love being close to home.  I went home last week for a day and half and then to Fayetville for the weekend to watch my Hogs rule the world.with my lil man Ryry.
  I love my job.  My boss and I get along really well..unless LSU comes up. Then I must put him in his place. Naturally. I love that I can come home by the time the kids are getting done with school and we can play and make dinner and read books and do homework.  I love doing pretty much anything with Katie. We have fun grocery shopping, working on the kids school projects, housework, shopping, running errands, etc.
I am recovering really well from this year's events.  The most critical parts of my body are doing well.  Post surgery is still difficult. I deal with a lot of pain.  It's natural after the invasive procedures they did.  Katy Michelle and David (shout out while I'm on it--yay for the engagement) and Ben and myself all watched my surgery and it was painful just to watch the DVD.  It was sickkkk.  I'll spare the details but if anyone is interested in medical stuff, you would love it.  I am just so grateful they caught everything in time, so when the pain is here, I just thank God for doctors.  I am so grateful to have the worst behind me.  I was able to find a great medical supplies store and get this awesome ice pack that also has aromatherapy. Everyone needs one. It can be frozen or heated.  I have no clue how they make it but in my many years of doctor and hospital visits I haven't seen anything like it, but it's heaven.  It helps quite a bit.  I will be ready when I never have to deal with problems in this area ever again.
So it's looking like I may be getting things in order to prepare for the possibilities of medical school. Crazy. I know. I'll go more into that another time. But God is in everything we do if we let Him. That sums that up pretty well.
Well, I encourage everyone to listen to Heart of the World and read the lyrics.  Faith really can beat the odds.  I am so grateful for the many tender mercies of the Lord in my life. I feel so incredibly blessed.  It's not just a feeling though, it's reality.  I am very blessed. I am actually super excited for another blog post I am working on right now but I don't have it all worded together right, but it's a good one. Some great lessons I learned this year.

The Time to Be Happy is Now

Many years ago I attended a week where the LDS Church organizes classes, workshops, dances, etc for the youth of the Church.  It's called EFY and it is a very spiritual and uplifting experience for anyone who attends.  Classes range from every subject you can imagine.  I remember one class I went to and I will NEVER forget the message I learned.
The class taught that Heavenly Father wants all of His children to obtain joy.  The teacher said he has heard so many people say "I'll be happy when___________ happens".  They are waiting on external circumstances to change in order for him or her to be happy.  The teacher continues on and says we need to choose to be happy now and do the things which are right for us to be happy.
As I have said I have never forgot this class, and I hopefully never will.  I have tried to catch myself anytime I say I'll be happy when ______.  Cause the list could go on and on.  However, I know that you can not always just "be happy". There are other emotions too.
Last night, Katie was reading a book to Karaline, Carson, and I about all the different emotions this little girl had.  Depending on what was going on in her day effected what emotion she was feeling and at the end she says, although she would prefer to feel happy, silly, and excited over discouraged, angry, or sad; she knows it is okay to have all the emotions at different times cause they are always changing and that's ok.
I loved that. It is so true.  Our emotions are always changing, but happiness to me is not simply an emotion.  It's a journey. I'm on my journey to external happiness. I know there will be so many emotions I feel along the way but I choose to be happy now.
I catch myself daydreaming sometimes and imagining what life may be like next year or in five years, etc.  I would have never guessed that this year would have contained all of the experiences and craziness that it has but I am so so eternally and infinitely grateful for each and every experience.  I learned so much this year and I have found myself. My true self. It's a great feeling. You can't control everything or everyone around you and sometimes all you can do is just ride the wave.
I haven't nor will I ever make the best of every situation in the moment it happens. But I do hope I can always be grateful in the latter.
Let's be grateful for the ability to feel and to have different emotions, and realize happiness is a journey we are on and we choose that journey.

Confusing both Heaven and Hell

I am a big believer that each of us have angels put in our lives when we need them.  I have come to know that many of my friends and family members have been answers to my prayers just in the time I was in need.  I have often thanked God for this and it has been a part of my testimony in His Eternal Plan for all of us here on earth.

I think when He was deciding long ago who to put in my life and when it took quite a bit of time. But I don't think anything took quite as much thought and debate as matching me with Jenny Lowe.  I think both Heaven and Hell were confused the day we became roommates.  You see, long long ago, before the Earth was formed, Jenny and I were creating all kinds of mischief in Heaven, such as, tripping over something and smashing into Noah's ark, pushing down one of Abraham's kids, etc.  And yet, we were fighting Satan like crazy cause as we say now we hate that SOB, knowing full well that technically calling him an "SOB" is very inaccurate and disrespectful to Heavenly Mother.  Anyways, we hate him.  A lot. He has made our lives so miserable at times.  Especially when we fall in his stupid little traps.  You see, there are some commandments that are just really hard for us to follow.  Like we love going to Smiths but we especially love it on Sundays.  And we love to use our mouths, but it's even funner when you swear at drivers, boys, Kardashian haters, etc.  At the same time, we excel in some areas...like making candy posters for people having a hard time, and bearing our testimony about how awesome our Bishop is when the rest of the ward was pissed off at him, and writing a song for the one and only Scotty Catt.
So what I'm trying to say is that the day we met had to be quite the risk for God.  Knowing all the things we could damage, like literally breaking an entire shelf in Target, etc....yet knowing we could play life changing roles in each others lives.
There are so many reasons Jenny and I are friends.  We kind of complete each other in a totally non lesbian way.  Well that brings me to another point.  The day that Katy Michelle and Kathleen the Great were introduced to us.  It was MAGIC.  Their friendship is like Jenny and I's.  And Katy and I are soul sisters in the way that Jenny and Kath are which makes sense to why they were friends and we were friends.  THEN the best thing ever happened and we all became friends.  It was like the world was complete.  Well we need husbands..way to go Katy on that one...but then the world will be complete.
Back to Jenny and I for a minute..you see we probably have very few things in common from first glance but get a microscope out and we are the Khloe and Kims in this world.  Which brings me to the best thing I brought Jenny: the Kardashians.  I introduced her to them.  Okay so that wasn't the best thing I introduced her to, but the second best.  The first best was the ability to open up and become self aware.  Jenny hid her feelings a lot and it made me sad. So I made her oppppeennnnn up.  And she may not always like it but hey that's life.  The third best thing I introduced her to was country music. Her favorite song is Kiss my Country A$$.  And the fourth best was fruits and vegetables.
Jenny has given me so much more than I will ever repay her. She has not only stood by me throughout the HARDEST year of my life, she tried to stand in front to take some of it herself.  She realized she couldn't take it and that it was mine to carry, but she loved me all the way.  I went streaking for the first time in my life..best thing ever. And I am still trying to learn the greatest lesson she wants to teach me and that is that chocolate heals everything..I'm working on it.   She is my Khloe.  She is my Kardashian sister in every way.  She was able to take a piece of coal and see the diamond. I have no idea how she was able to, but she did. She is definitely one of the most loyal people I know and I am positive that no amount of swearing or Sabbath day breaking or prank doing or boy bashing we have done this year will count to the amount of good she has blessed me with.  Whether it was hospital trip after hospital trip or phone call after phone call or person after person she dealt with because of me, she never quit.  The best part was she didn't lose herself. She was able to continue to find herself.  The days we spent becoming so close and connected with each other and our Father in Heaven, the more we were able to let our barriers down.
You see we both have been hurt by multiple people in multiple ways.  And finding each other was exactly what we needed.  The greatest cherry on top ever would be our completion with Katy and Kath.  We are so excited for February and many more "Februarys" to come for each of us.
Satan may have thought he scored some points when the two craziest people on earth were placed under the same roof but man did God jimmer him again.

All in all this post is just to show my public appreciation for JLo. I love her so much. She is one of my dearest friends who may not have a clue what to say to me when I'm having a bad day but she knows how to love me and I sure love her.  And oh how we love our K's. Jenny. Steph. Katy. Kath. FOREVER!

Wait, I thought it was March...yes, oh yes I did

The other day Jenny texted me to tell me it was snowing and I was about to text her back and say, "well it is March so hopefully it will be over soon". Yeah I'm behind time. There have been certain times in my life where I can't even remember what month it is anymore.  This year has been pretty crazy and I have debated back and forth about what I would share on my blog and facebook.  I don't really think that many people read my blog but there are a few lessons I want to share with those who do, and  it honestly helps myself to put into words what's going through my head lately.
The last seven years have been unlike anything I could have imagined.  For the first sixteen years of my life I easily had one of the most content and happy lifestyles ever.  I never got in trouble.  My parents never fought.  I felt comfortable in my social circle. I was never the most popular but I made few enemies and had it pretty easy. I had good health and was progressing in figure skating. I was prepared to go to BYU where I would obtain my 3.7 GPA to get into law school and change the world.
One day things changed, and not to say I had bad luck, I just found myself going in a different direction then anticipated.  However I believe the Lord has an incredibly larger vision than my eyes do.  These past few years have presented what seems to be obstacle after obstacle.  This year in particular has been the hardest year of my life. And yet, this year has been my favorite.  Let me explain why..
A few months ago, I went on a recreational activity to Thanksgiving Point where I was able to create my own glass blown flower.  I went into this room with a furnace where I chose a color and watched as the technician and myself created this work of "art".  He placed the glass under intense amounts of heat and then brought it to me where I pounded and pressed my tool into this class to flatten it, and this time it looked NOTHING like a flower.  Then I used another tool to pull and manipulate the glass quick enough to craft it into a BEAUTIFUL flower.  I loved the way it turned out.  I learned a lot this day.  We have to go through some intense heat and we can't see the flower that we are to become but our Creator does.  You see, God and Jesus are always knows as our physical creators who created the worlds and us, but they continue to Create and mold us to what they see in the long run.  It takes heat and pressure and pushing and pulling.  And quite frankly it's really hard. But it is worth every amount of heat.
I'm definitely not done being molded, I know there are some more trials ahead, but I know the hand of the Lord is in all things.
I am so grateful for the incredible people in my life throughout this process. I felt like I had at least 50 cheerleaders this whole time.  I don't know what I'd do without these individuals and I pray they receive the upmost blessings.
As for where I'm at right now, I'm wrapping up things physically (I hope).  Goal: no more surgeries this year.  Likely hood of the goal happening: rare.  There may be two more. But that is ok.  I have been saved and redeemed by the power of Jesus Christ this year.  I know on my own, I am nothing, but He is able to give my strength to break the bonds I feel bound by.
I'm headed to Shreveport in a week!  I'll live with the Simpsons, help with the kids, play with them more like it.  Hang out with Katie--which I cannot wait for, we haven't hung out FOREVER. Start my new job.  Volunteer at the hospital to determine which area of work I will do there. I either want to go to med school, PA school, NP school, or get my Mstrs in PHA.  IT will be great.
I have found the new and rejuvenated me this year. I'm starting to like the person I see.  It's okay if everyone else doesn't.  That's expected, but finally I am.
This year had heartache, stress, insecurities, betrayal, love, trust, self esteem, spirituality, surgery after surgery, great friends, the most darling nephew ever, GREAT family, and just being alive is plenty enough!
All in all, this song is my life this year
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.

10 years later...

I started this on 9/11/11 but didn't finish it til now.......

I haven't blogged in forever, but found a topic I am passionate about to get me writing again.  I remember 9/11 like it was yesterday.  I was in 8th grade and up to that day I was known as being pretty ditzy and out of sorts with reality.  I just flew on my own wavelength and had no desire to make some huge difference in the world.  I remember being afraid at school because rumors had gone around my small town that our arsenal was going to be a target as well which would have been a nuclear disaster.  I, naturally, believed the rumors and had a massive freak out.  My dad came home from work early that day to meet up with us right after school.  I RAN to him dying to know what had happened. I walked in the door sat down on the couch and will never forget what I saw.  Those images of people jumping out of the building and the dusty chaos beneath them and the second plane and then the other planes along with it.  I was terrified and I felt so sick inside.  And then I found myself in complete amazement at what the next days consisted of..the many firefighters and rescue workers who made beyond their best efforts to save any person they could find.
My dad kept on world events so he caught on to the names of Osama, and Afghanistan, and Taliban a lot quicker than the rest of us did.  My mom got out a map cause we didn't even have a clue what the Middle East was.  From that day forward I seemed to have some new sense of caring and passion.  I began following the news and politics like never before. I wanted to be involved.  I began my plans to unleash my political front that I knew was going to change the world. I wanted to be the President of the United States. I wanted to fix EVERYTHING.
I realized I wouldn't be able to get there, but I definitely wanted to make the difference I could with what I had.  I became more interested in being smarter or atleast more informed.  I started doing civil service work with my dad and to make a long story short, my life was changed.  From that day forward, I saw that things were not simply about me and my life, but such a larger scale and that there are everyday heroes.  There are people fighting to make this country better, this world better in the way they can.  I know I won't ever be the President but I know I will make a difference.  Thank you to those incredible heroes that strengthened and added to my life in such monumental ways.  God Bless America

Why

I just got done listening to Rascal Flatt's song Why (posted at bottom of blog).  It's pretty much where my head has been all day. I found out this morning one of my dearest most bestest friends took her life.  Words can't really seem to come out of an individual, me, who always has so much to say.  All I can say is live life the best you can.  Don't judge people for illnesses we may not see that they have.  Mental illness is one of the most difficult and most lonely. Only those who have truly been to that deep and dark place can even begin to understand...but even then, it's only the Savior that can be the one to save any one going through that personal hell.
Emily, I love you so much. You made my summer so much more endurable.  I don't know what I would have done without you.  I'll never forget you. I remember one Saturday before I was able to get my blankets out, you let me use yours and in so many ways you were always so giving to others.  You were so wise and had so much to offer to the rest of us, but you couldn't see in yourself what the rest of us did. I know you will not have this awful monster in your life anymore.  You have so much strength and I know you will use it in Heaven to bless so many.  We (the best CFC crew ever) will never forget the words of wisdom and love and support you showed us.  I wish we could have another moment together, but I know that's coming in Heaven.

Dearest Emily I love you. I miss you.

Thank you Hilary and Mother Teresa

Well, if I was ever wondering how completely stereotypically female I am, the results are in, and it's a positive.  So, I have shed another tear because of feelings of complete inadequacy and failure...I know many females can empathize.  We all seem to do it, right? Well, I hope I'm not the only one.  I seem to have these overwhelming dramatic feelings. I don't know what to do with these mascara ruining moments and many times don't even know why they suddenly pop up from the middle of no where.  

Well, today, even though I totally and completely appreciated the many lessons I learned from General Conference, I had a complete breakdown.  I have so much room for progress in every aspect of my life and despite my knowledge of the Savior's ability to make up in the bajillion areas for which I lack, I just got discouraged.  Well, there is always and will always be a cure to these moments. 

1. Talk to my mom...her words are like magic. And she loves me. Unconditionally. (and listens unconditionally)

2. Church music...ahh..sometimes Taylor Swift can do it for me, but when she isn't even enough Hilary Weeks is. 

3. Mother Teresa quotes. 

4. Be ALONE. 

Let me expound....

Ok, well, no need for expounding for on why my mom is on the list...if you know her, you know why. 

Hilary Weeks gets it...I don't know what her experiences in life have been, but that woman knows what it's like to be a Latter-day Saint female.  You see, I'm convinced that many of us can avoid some of the HUGE pitfalls out there but the mists of darkness get us big time.  Discouragement, inadequacy, the lack of ability to see eternal potential, I think these can really get us when we aren't paying attention.  Let me give a few quotes from some of her songs that struck home tonight, 

"He knew there’d be moments when no earthly words

Could take away your sorrow 
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through 
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do 
He will lift your heavy load and carry you"

Another one..

"But I need you by my side
I don't have the strength
To make it on my own
And Lord, do you hear my prayer
How soon will you answer me? "

And my absolute favorite

"It may seem simple all the little things you do, 

But the lives you touch matter so much, 

And there's no one else like you. 

Father needs you to stand tall and faithful..oh if you could see what he sees."

So anyways, finally, I love Mother Teresa....I don't understand how someone could be so phenomenally service oriented and not want to pull her hair out..anyhow some day I shall ask her..until then, I love her quotes. I google them regularly.  It seems as if there is always one that answers a question I have.  This week this specific quote hit the spot.  

      People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

            If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

            If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed              anyway.

           If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

            What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

            If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

            The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

         Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

         In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway. 

FINALLY, I think it's important we just sit by our self with our self completely isolated from what anyone can say to us besides God. There's too much noise in this world.  Too many people pulling us this way and that. As that great woman says, it was never between us and them anyway. SO I learned that talking to God is going to be much more beneficial than letting my mind be consumed with my mile long list of imperfections....He can take care of that list more than I can.  

Anyways, if anyone is feeling this way, try out this list. I believe it. 

The Illusion of Control

An interesting conversation I had last week helped me re-evaluate what I refer to as the illusion of control.  I have had a difficult time in my few adult years to understand what I truly have control over.  Growing up, I felt that if I did my best to try and be a "good little girl", everyone would get along and everything would be fine.  When my brothers would fight with one another, I would try and help create peace (well many times I'm sure I jumped in to fight too) but I knew I would receive praise from parents about being a peacemaker and being a "good little girl".  Well now I'm an adult, and I've realized life just isn't as simple as when I was seven years old.  There are some situations where no matter what you do, you won't come out with everyone thinking you were still the "good little girl".  Why is this? Because it's not in our control.  You can only do as much as humanly possible sometimes before you have run out of the area in which you can actually control.  What we can not control is how other people feel about us.  I can not seem to deal with this reality and find myself going crazy dealing with that possibility that it may be true.  We are all wired differently. What effects me in a particular way will not effect my neighbor in the same manner.  While I have a conversation with someone and get one thing out of it, someone else can have a completely different perspective.  
This is all okay, and in the end, everything will fall where it should...unless we are incapable of accepting what we can and can not control.  I have tried everything from making a list of a column of what I can control and a column of what I can not, journaling about it, reading books about it, talking to professionals, friends, family, etc, and I can not get myself to accept the reality.  
And then, I realized I had the answer in front of me the whole time.  President Ucthdorf's talk last October was an answer to my prayers.  He says, 
"My dear brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most. Let us be mindful of the foundational precepts our Heavenly Father has given to His children that will establish the basis of a rich and fruitful mortal life with promises of eternal happiness. They will teach us to do “all these things … in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that [we] should run faster than [we have] strength. [But] it is expedient that [we] should be diligent, [and] thereby … win the prize.”"


So the reason I love this so much is because I realize that by me freaking about the things, people, situations, feelings, etc. I can not control, I am not focusing on what matters most.  Continuing forward with what I can control instead of dwelling on what I can not would be the most important task I could carry out at this time in life.  I am so grateful for our modern day revelation that helps me in every aspect of my life!!

Going back to the reason I started this blog

A year and a half ago I was sitting in my room thinking about an impact a certain individual made on my life.  I so badly wanted to be able to share with the world how I felt and I wished everyone could have experienced that feeling.  I am feeling this way again, so here comes a sappy blog entry.  Bear with it if you want..

So, life has been crazy lately.  I have noticed a trend in my life and when it rains it pours. This is true with happy things and not-so-happy things as well.  However, as humans, we tend to notice the stressful things.  Anyways, life has been full...of a lot.  So today I ended up in a situation that could have been such an annoying and miserable few hours but ended up being one of the most teachable experiences of my life.  Because of a certain turn of events, I was feeling somewhat sorry for myself but as I stepped back, I realized I had so much to be grateful for. As I was going through a certain challenge, I saw that not only were there one set of footprints on the sand, there were like twenty, because I had so much support from those around me.

And then I met my new friend. My new friend had pretty much no one supporting him.. He's a severe alcoholic and was hospitalized today for SERIOUS alcohol poisoning.  He was so sick.  He was dropped off by a friend and didn't know when he was going to be picked up.  He sat in the ER room crying, like uncontrollable sobs.  My roommate and I felt sorry for him because no one was paying attention to him.  So, we did.  Jenny, with her incredibly open and hilarious personality, was able to make him feel totally comfortable.  And then I sat with him and talked to him about life.  I know I don't totally understand what he's going through, and truly I have very little experience with many of his specific heartaches.  However, I was able to relate to a certain extent and as I talked to him I was reminded why I love strangers.

My friend wasn't able to see himself the way God did.  He hated himself and figured everyone around him felt the same way.  It broke my heart to see the way he treated himself and the little respect he gave his body.  He has had so much disappointment and heartache that it just broke him.  He couldn't stand to see what his life had become and to deal with the horribleness of all of it turned to a source that seemed to give him some form of temporary comfort.  But, in the end, all it did was give him broken promises.

We all, in some way, find outlets to deal with our disappointment and frustration.  For my friend it was alcohol, but everyone does something.  If you don't, either you are reading this from Heaven cause you were translated or you haven't been pushed to your limits.  But one day we all will be pushed to our limits.  We don't know how we will deal with situations 'til we come across them.  What I do know is the Savior knows. He knows why my friend is doing what he is.  He isn't angry or even disappointed.  He feels so sad for him. I saw this as I looked at this sweet man in the eyes.  I felt so much love for him because of God's love for him, and I knew him. We all knew each other in Heaven and made promises to each other that we would help each other along the way. I am so grateful for this man. He may never know truly how much he helped me tonight.  I hope someday I can tell him when we sit and chat in Heaven.  However, God knows. And that's why He's in charge.  We won't understand everything in this world while we are here.  Someday we will.  Every now and then we get glimpses of what life is really about and why we are here. We will lose sight of it, but that's why God is in charge. He will gently remind us.  I am so grateful for my friend.  I love him.  I know he is my brother. We are all brothers and sisters and we need to treat each other as such.  Some people may judge my friend, but I know he has such great potential just as we all do.  I think the greatest Valentines present I ever got was the love for this man.  Because somehow (and someday I hope to understand how) it taught me to love myself.  We are all children of a loving Father, a God in fact, and we need to treat ourselves as His property, for that is why He sent His son, so He could claim us.

I am so eternally grateful for these reminders.  I am so grateful for the support I have around me.  I have such an incredibly loving family.  I get the nicest texts, the sweetest compliments, the most "i love you's", and frequent phone calls to remind me.  I am grateful for my roommates.  I am so blessed by them. They listen, they teach, they encourage, they help in so many ways.  I am so grateful for my wonderful home and visiting teachers, who are by far some of the most inspired people I have EVER met.  I am grateful for church leaders and former church leaders who are more of a family then anything.  I am grateful for strangers who really aren't strangers at all.  Just heavenly siblings I haven't seen in a long while.  I am so grateful God has a plan, because mine sure does suck, but His is miraculous.  He gives us everything we possibly want and so much more.

A Blessing that Goes Unrecognized

Sometimes I have no idea where my brain cells are...I created this great post around Thanksgiving and then realized I posted it on the wrong blog and so I copied the info to later post it into this blog and then must have copied something else, because it's gone...anyways sum of the story..I'm an idiot..no new news. And what sucks even more was that I spent a lot of time making that blog cute..so now I am just sad :( But..the good news is I can spend time on this post again and it's a happy post so it will make me even happier!

So there will be few posts that will be as raw and true as this post. My mind has been pondering this for a very long time and I have felt I just need to really express how I feel.  

A few weeks ago I was so angry.  I was throwing myself a complete pity party, which at the time felt completely deserved, but pity parties never do get us anywhere and that's beyond the point. This was beyond a bad day, but it was just ridiculously terrible week, probably in my top ten list of most awful weeks ever.  So do you have the picture in your mind of me being in a bad mood and hating life? Hopefully, when you picture Stephanie Burdick, your mind doesn't automatically go to that kind of mental picture, but many of you have seen the rather emotional side of me..anyways..let me proceed to the point of this blog

So, as life comes to an awful point, unknowingly I was rescued.  Whether it was the email from my far away and somewhat locked up bestie or the party my girlies drug me to or the embrace from my "utah mom", the burdens of this week went away...and up to this point I haven't felt them since.  I have thought of the rest of my "top ten worst weeks ever", and realized that each of these were also followed in the same way.  

In ways that I will probably never fully comprehend, but yet strongly believe, God has a very organized way of putting the people we need at the times in which we need them.  I have been given this blessing in more ways and at more times then I can ever fully express gratitude for.  God knows what my life is going to consist of and He knows there are many things He can not control without interfering with other's agency and so He uses angels on this Earth to help me out. 

As I endure different experiences, I hope I am then able to help others as well and it becomes a cycle.  Nothing feels better than being able to help or serve someone you love. This whole cycle is simple yet complex at the same time.  Whatever it is,  I know I have found it to be one of the most incredible blessings in my life.  

Thank you for the memories y'all. Thank you for lifting me up. Thank you for letting me lift you up when necessary.  Thank you for the drive up to Squaw peek. Thank you for the walks around the track while drinking "water" from diet coke cans.  Thank you for making me laugh as we get lost for the millioneth time. Thank you for the movie nights. Thank you for the lunch dates. Thank you for being the only one I can think to turn to late at night after I ran nine million miles and about wanted to die and you saved me with hot chocolate and a shoulder to cry on.  Thank you for letting me cry on your lap in sacrament meeting. Thank you for the late night cereal parties and 7th Heaven quotes. Thank you for the fun nights of partying! Thank you for dancing with me.  Thank you for taking me out for my birthday.  Thank you for making me a part of your family.  Thank you for introducing me to a new meaning of midnight snacks and the laughter of our "sos"ing.  Thank you for yogurt nights.  Thank you for metaphorically slapping me in the face when I needed it.  Thanks for literally literally literally saving my life when it wasn't convenient.  Thank you for knowing everything about me and loving me anyway.  

I know I haven't remembered all the times I am thinking of, but there are so many memories I have and each of these were times in which I can picture me being in a hard time and being rescued by one of you.  I love you all so much and am so grateful for all the angels in my life.