Please. Read. Now.

I don't write a lot on my blog anymore, but I definitely remember the reason I started it. I started it because I had this desire to outlet all these emotions I felt inside and didn't think I would be able to in any other way than to write. I have had this huge rush of emotion lately. I believe we are called to bear one another's burdens, and this is exactly what I will write about.

 

My young adult life has not been completely without trials. One thing I believe is the power of another human being. Whether someone acts out of hate or out of love, there is power in mankind. I prefer to believe in the power of love.

 

Bailee and Taylor's story really didn't seem all that different from the beginning from any other BYU couple.

Boy meets girl.

Boy loves girl.

Girl says yes.

 

 

And then the story changes. It becomes much different than any other story you have heard. Three hours after being engaged, and while traveling home for the holidays, a terrible car accident occured. Maddie, Taylor's little sister (freshman at BYU), dies immediately. Bailee manages to flag down a car and help save her fiancee's life. (For a much better article read my friend Annaleece's blog here.)

Taylor, with Bailee's assistance, made it out alive but with incredible injuries. Medical bills are going to be incredibly high. Speaking from an individual who has had a fair share of medical bills, I can not imagine what it would have been like without insurance. Taylor's insurance will not be covering, so they are going to be entering the world of massive debt in a newlywed life.

 

People are good. I believe if you are reading this, you are a good person. The world is hard, and there is some bad, but all in all, I believe in humanity. I am also aware of the financial difficulties we are all facing, and how hard it is around the holidays. This morning I looked in my car and my pockets and my wallet and the bottom of my purse and found over two dollars. That money would have eventually been spent on Diet Coke, but it is not necessary to drink the amount of DC I do.  I looked this week and saw that between Subway and McAllisters Deli, I had spent another ten dollars. I think we can all give at least a dollar or two. In the world of medical bills, forty five dollars pays for a blood draw. It's over 26,000 dollars for lung surgery. The list could go on and on. And the amount they will owe will definitely go on.

 

Jesus Christ is the reason for the season. He is the most Giving, Compassionate Being to ever live. Give a dollar.

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And please PRAY.

"But time growing old, teaches all things."

But time growing old teaches all things.

Aeschylus

I specifically remember one Christmas many years ago where I went to bed extremely sad because Christmas was over and we were putting away the decorations and took down the Christmas tree, and I felt as if something was lost.  My mom said, "Christmas comes every year and it will be here before you know it.." I didn't believe her..it felt like FOREVER.  Now, time seems to just fly by.  Time is now a very strange concept in my mind. Many people say if we simply wait, time heals all wounds.  I never did believe that and I still don't.  Time doesn't heal all wounds.  What we do with our time determines our healing or lack thereof.  I was reading in the scriptures and found a verse that has meant more to me than words can say. It's found in the Book of Mormon (another testament of Jesus Christ) and it says:

 "He hath given unto you that ye might ^aknow good from evil, and he hath given unto you that ye might ^bchoose life or death; and ye can do good and be ^crestored unto that which is good, or have that which is good restored unto you; or ye can do evil, and have that which is evil restored unto you. "

As time passes by, the choices we make truly determines the people we become.  Going back to the topic of time..I have an uncanny memory for anniversary days. Not necessarily wedding anniversaries, but just remembering exactly what day some event may have occurred.  Some days I can remember the most insignificant details of these memories..now why I could not transpose that to some classes I don't know! My mind has been in memory lane this month.  I think it will continue to do that for the next few weeks. This time last year was a very special time of year for me.  Jeffrey R Holland once said that Liberty Jail was as a temple to Joseph Smith because of the learning and spiritual growth he found there was comparative to the experiences we should be having in the house of God. I feel as though I had my own--very small scaled--Liberty Jail last year.  The learning and growth I developed has been such a blessing to me.  
Despite the wonderful blessing and growth I felt, it does not change that I am still in charge of everyday choices.   I imagine there will be specific challenges that will never leave me, and some days they can feel very burdensome.  


I am grateful for the challenges I had last year.  It was a reality check that I desperately needed.  I am not yet where I need to be, but I know in small ways I am getting closer.  As I go throughout this life and think about what I would like for my future to hold, I know that it is my past that makes my future possible.  As I think of working with those that suffer with addictions, I am reminded of a truth I learned.  Whatever it is that we use to cover up emotional hardships, inadequacies, insecurities, or simply just wanting to compensate for what we don't feel worthy of...we must stop. This life can be full of so much growth.  Many of us are afraid of growth because our goals may be so high that it seems impossible to reach them, or maybe the idea of such growth might throw our lives off balance...or maybe we are addicted to chaos itself.  The list is far lengthier than that, but whatever it is you are hiding behind: STOP.  


I came upon a quote by C.S. Lewis a few months ago and have thought of it so much since then.  
“No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means — the only complete realist.” 


For those of you...and you know who you are...who are in that place where only one thing seems to be the answer..remember it is not.  You find out the strength of the wind by trying to walk against it.  Walk against the wind.  Keep going.  Every thing that seems so big now...I know it can all work out for the good. I can think of several things that seemed completely dark and without light and now I can see the sliver of light.  


As I thought about life last year and I thought about this year, others may or may not see the changes but it is not about them..and then I turned on the radio and the first words I heard were, 


"I woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain but I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face...I got a little bit stronger....It doesn't happen over night but you turn around and a month's gone by...."


Each of us will fall.  It is an inevitable part of life. However, I believe we are not judged by the amount of falls or even the height of the fall, but whether we allow the fall to become the only thing that ever happened or whether we get up and try again. 


I know this past year consisted of a lot of falls for me, and many people could have left me behind but so many waited and waited and waited for me to get back up.  Some of you carried me.  Some of you kicked me in the butt and said "keep going steph or else". Some of us sat together and cried while we were all fallen upon the ground.  And we cried until we laughed and vice versa.  Whatever it was, I needed it. Thank you to all of you who have helped me along the way. I met some of the most incredible people in my life through that journey last year and I know some of you may feel as though you will always fall and never get up...but I know you are a lot farther along then you think. I am proud to know you.  And, I love you. Each of you. 


As we look at the calendar and see another month end, don't let another month come and go without finding a way to improve yourself.  Time will not wait..it just keeps going.  We will grow and learn throughout this time we have.  

2011: Thank you and GoodBYE!

Well, I took forever to choose a title of this post because I knew it would be a wrap up of 2011 and well, that makes me feel a lot of different emotions. Lots and LOTS of memories come out from this year. Some are super super awesome and some are just the worst. Like Razorbacks losing to Ohio State and LSU. Horrible. Okay, well, football is just football, but in all honesty, this year has been all over the place for me.
I thought I would make a "gratitude" list of the top five lessons I learned this year.
5. I have been given at least five thousand and seventy six things to help teach me patience. And there is no such truth as once you learn patience you won't be tried. Because really, once you learn patience, you won't mind being tried. And I have not learned enough yet. Clearly. But I have learned a little bit more. Life is about progressing one day at a time. So I pray to be continually exposed to more situations that teach me patience.
4. Change is possible. Look at the 49ers. I mean, really, who at this point last year thought they would be going to the NFC championship and possible SUPERBOWL!! I sure didn't. On a more personal and serious note, I never thought I would be able to experience some of the incredible changes in my life I have this year. I am completely sure that we as humans are lame, but we can draw from God's power to be better.  We must always be looking to change because we never reach perfection and that is truly okay.
3. Each tear we have will be compensated by happiness if we live righteously.  I have had some difficult experiences this year. Some of them felt so awful I can't even stand to think about them.  At the same time, I have met some of the most important and wonderful people and felt so much love from above and truly reset my life into the right direction. I truly have the best friends and most wonderful family in the world. I love them all so very much. It has taken a lot of love and sacrifice from some people and I am eternally indebted.
2. Brussel sprouts taste like ink and eating cheesecake makes me feel like I'm making out with my food. I don't like either one and I never will. Period. And I still think I'm allergic to mushrooms. I hope Emily has reported my issues with brussel sprouts, cheesecake, ranch and mushrooms to God. RIP angel.
1. "People are often unreasonable, irrational and self centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. be honest and sincere anyway. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.  The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway. Give the best you have and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway. In the final analysis it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." I could not agree with a statement more. I feel as if I truly learned these principles this year, I haven't perfected any of them, but I really believe them with all my heart. I know I have and can get so caught up worried about what others may think or not feeling complete without external validation, but I've realized it really has nothing to do with anyone else. Peace is feeling that comes from within.  No external forces can disturb true peace. My life will be a journey towards peace.
Throughout it all I have come to believe more fully when we look back and see only one set of footprints it is because He was carrying us the whole time. Life is all about perspective. We each will have a different set of difficulties. Our attitude and perception is the part that matters most.
2011, I probably won't miss you too much, but without that chapter my life story would be shorter in more ways than one ;)

Karma, maybe?

Tonight is a great night for me. As I come upon the week of Thanksgiving I begin to reflect. After Thanksgiving, there is Christmas which is definitely the most wonderful holiday ever. And then you have time for New Years and the resolutions for the new year.  So every Thanksgiving I begin my inventory.  It starts with all my blessings, thanks to the nature of the holiday, and then I ask myself what I have done with this year and the blessings I have received.  This year has been a complete and total roller coaster.  Like crazy, not allowed at Disneyland type roller coaster. I have had moments where I could have been better, but overall I made some miraculous and imperative changes in my life this year.  It has taken a lot of work and a lot of patience and a lot of faith.  Overall, I can truly say I'm actually proud of myself. I'm in a really good place and I am so happy. Life has presented challenges and I have put myself through the ringer and although I know I'm not perfect AT ALL, I stilll have the right to feel proud, right? 

On that note, I am so thrilled about my football teams.  This may seem extremely trivial and stupid, but I was able to attend a Razorback game a couple weeks ago and I was filled with so much happiness as I watched the great team of Arkansas fight so hard to obtain their well deserved ranking.  They have had a rough year of losing Kniles Davis and then having three top defensive players out during the Alabama game to now losing a player to death.  Yet, they continue to show up. My Niners are also doing awesome.  It may seem stupid to be so excited about football, but my life is full of memories of this great sport.  

I am so thankful for the joy that is brought to us in all different ways.  Whether its a beautiful flower, a phenomenal sunset, or a 98 yard punt return by Joe Adams, life can have its moments of perfection.  There will always be trials.  But finding joy in life is as easy or as difficult as we want it to be.  

I am hoping my teams continue to move forward, because as I stated in my title...I'm hoping Karma will work its magic and my teams will hit the top.  :) Woo Pig Sooie. and Who's got it better than us? Nobody?

Two best sayings of the year. 

Love is the Heart of the World

I just wanted to give an update of my life.  I'm obsessed to say the least with Lady A's song "Heart of the World", which is why it's my title to this blog, but it also completely describes how I feel about life right now.
I have always loved the human body and studying it.  My favorite body organs are the heart and the brain. The past several years I have done a lot of research on both of these organs.  The heart is an incredible muscle.  It is the way the rest of our body works. It provides the foundation for which our brain can receive oxygen, along with giving cells to the rest of the body.  Yes, I know the body all works together but the heart is truly remarkable.  In this way, relate love as being the heart of the world.  It is the driving force for keeping the world in motion.  I loveeeee loveeeeee loveeeeee this song by Lady A. I listen to it at least nine times a day.
So with that, my life is pretty much revolving around that notion.  Love is the heart of the world.  I've realized that love truly can be the greatest force this world has.  Whatever it is you love will drive you to do great things or not so great things.  Thankfully, I'm on the greater end of things right now.
I have the time of my life living with the Simpsons.  I haven't felt so much peace in so long.  We are super busy and things can get pretty crazy, but there isn't a second I would trade.  Dakota is an all-star at school.  He's doing a phenomenal job of growing up.  He is so responsible and so willing to help and so strong in his faith.  I am so proud of him. I remember holding him as a baby and thinking life can't get any better.  He's growing into a wonderful young man.  Gage is, well Gage.  He is the most chill, laid back kid ever until you put him on the football field. Dang, can that boy play. It's insane. I'm determined he is the next Tyler Wilson :) He is such a sweet boy and I'll never forget the days of rocking that sweet baby to sleep. Karaline is the GIRL.  She is all girl. She has the most adorable clothes ever and is a walking magazine cause she is so adorable. She is silly as can be and is so much fun.  She makes me smile so much. I loveee to watch her at gymnastics.  Brings back good ol memories for me. And then we get to Carson. Oh gees.  What to say..he is the funniest kid I have ever been around in my life.  He makes up stories like you wouldn't believe.  His imagination is like a movie. Every story is this elaborate detailed longgggg conversation in his head.  and he gets the CUTEST look on his face.  Oh I just love it. He is a game player and puzzle maker and book reader. And Wyatt and Katie are just incredible examples to me.  They are such good parents.  Everything is focused on the family and Gospel.  There is so much love in this house.
I love being close to home.  I went home last week for a day and half and then to Fayetville for the weekend to watch my Hogs rule the world.with my lil man Ryry.
  I love my job.  My boss and I get along really well..unless LSU comes up. Then I must put him in his place. Naturally. I love that I can come home by the time the kids are getting done with school and we can play and make dinner and read books and do homework.  I love doing pretty much anything with Katie. We have fun grocery shopping, working on the kids school projects, housework, shopping, running errands, etc.
I am recovering really well from this year's events.  The most critical parts of my body are doing well.  Post surgery is still difficult. I deal with a lot of pain.  It's natural after the invasive procedures they did.  Katy Michelle and David (shout out while I'm on it--yay for the engagement) and Ben and myself all watched my surgery and it was painful just to watch the DVD.  It was sickkkk.  I'll spare the details but if anyone is interested in medical stuff, you would love it.  I am just so grateful they caught everything in time, so when the pain is here, I just thank God for doctors.  I am so grateful to have the worst behind me.  I was able to find a great medical supplies store and get this awesome ice pack that also has aromatherapy. Everyone needs one. It can be frozen or heated.  I have no clue how they make it but in my many years of doctor and hospital visits I haven't seen anything like it, but it's heaven.  It helps quite a bit.  I will be ready when I never have to deal with problems in this area ever again.
So it's looking like I may be getting things in order to prepare for the possibilities of medical school. Crazy. I know. I'll go more into that another time. But God is in everything we do if we let Him. That sums that up pretty well.
Well, I encourage everyone to listen to Heart of the World and read the lyrics.  Faith really can beat the odds.  I am so grateful for the many tender mercies of the Lord in my life. I feel so incredibly blessed.  It's not just a feeling though, it's reality.  I am very blessed. I am actually super excited for another blog post I am working on right now but I don't have it all worded together right, but it's a good one. Some great lessons I learned this year.

The Time to Be Happy is Now

Many years ago I attended a week where the LDS Church organizes classes, workshops, dances, etc for the youth of the Church.  It's called EFY and it is a very spiritual and uplifting experience for anyone who attends.  Classes range from every subject you can imagine.  I remember one class I went to and I will NEVER forget the message I learned.
The class taught that Heavenly Father wants all of His children to obtain joy.  The teacher said he has heard so many people say "I'll be happy when___________ happens".  They are waiting on external circumstances to change in order for him or her to be happy.  The teacher continues on and says we need to choose to be happy now and do the things which are right for us to be happy.
As I have said I have never forgot this class, and I hopefully never will.  I have tried to catch myself anytime I say I'll be happy when ______.  Cause the list could go on and on.  However, I know that you can not always just "be happy". There are other emotions too.
Last night, Katie was reading a book to Karaline, Carson, and I about all the different emotions this little girl had.  Depending on what was going on in her day effected what emotion she was feeling and at the end she says, although she would prefer to feel happy, silly, and excited over discouraged, angry, or sad; she knows it is okay to have all the emotions at different times cause they are always changing and that's ok.
I loved that. It is so true.  Our emotions are always changing, but happiness to me is not simply an emotion.  It's a journey. I'm on my journey to external happiness. I know there will be so many emotions I feel along the way but I choose to be happy now.
I catch myself daydreaming sometimes and imagining what life may be like next year or in five years, etc.  I would have never guessed that this year would have contained all of the experiences and craziness that it has but I am so so eternally and infinitely grateful for each and every experience.  I learned so much this year and I have found myself. My true self. It's a great feeling. You can't control everything or everyone around you and sometimes all you can do is just ride the wave.
I haven't nor will I ever make the best of every situation in the moment it happens. But I do hope I can always be grateful in the latter.
Let's be grateful for the ability to feel and to have different emotions, and realize happiness is a journey we are on and we choose that journey.

Confusing both Heaven and Hell

I am a big believer that each of us have angels put in our lives when we need them.  I have come to know that many of my friends and family members have been answers to my prayers just in the time I was in need.  I have often thanked God for this and it has been a part of my testimony in His Eternal Plan for all of us here on earth.

I think when He was deciding long ago who to put in my life and when it took quite a bit of time. But I don't think anything took quite as much thought and debate as matching me with Jenny Lowe.  I think both Heaven and Hell were confused the day we became roommates.  You see, long long ago, before the Earth was formed, Jenny and I were creating all kinds of mischief in Heaven, such as, tripping over something and smashing into Noah's ark, pushing down one of Abraham's kids, etc.  And yet, we were fighting Satan like crazy cause as we say now we hate that SOB, knowing full well that technically calling him an "SOB" is very inaccurate and disrespectful to Heavenly Mother.  Anyways, we hate him.  A lot. He has made our lives so miserable at times.  Especially when we fall in his stupid little traps.  You see, there are some commandments that are just really hard for us to follow.  Like we love going to Smiths but we especially love it on Sundays.  And we love to use our mouths, but it's even funner when you swear at drivers, boys, Kardashian haters, etc.  At the same time, we excel in some areas...like making candy posters for people having a hard time, and bearing our testimony about how awesome our Bishop is when the rest of the ward was pissed off at him, and writing a song for the one and only Scotty Catt.
So what I'm trying to say is that the day we met had to be quite the risk for God.  Knowing all the things we could damage, like literally breaking an entire shelf in Target, etc....yet knowing we could play life changing roles in each others lives.
There are so many reasons Jenny and I are friends.  We kind of complete each other in a totally non lesbian way.  Well that brings me to another point.  The day that Katy Michelle and Kathleen the Great were introduced to us.  It was MAGIC.  Their friendship is like Jenny and I's.  And Katy and I are soul sisters in the way that Jenny and Kath are which makes sense to why they were friends and we were friends.  THEN the best thing ever happened and we all became friends.  It was like the world was complete.  Well we need husbands..way to go Katy on that one...but then the world will be complete.
Back to Jenny and I for a minute..you see we probably have very few things in common from first glance but get a microscope out and we are the Khloe and Kims in this world.  Which brings me to the best thing I brought Jenny: the Kardashians.  I introduced her to them.  Okay so that wasn't the best thing I introduced her to, but the second best.  The first best was the ability to open up and become self aware.  Jenny hid her feelings a lot and it made me sad. So I made her oppppeennnnn up.  And she may not always like it but hey that's life.  The third best thing I introduced her to was country music. Her favorite song is Kiss my Country A$$.  And the fourth best was fruits and vegetables.
Jenny has given me so much more than I will ever repay her. She has not only stood by me throughout the HARDEST year of my life, she tried to stand in front to take some of it herself.  She realized she couldn't take it and that it was mine to carry, but she loved me all the way.  I went streaking for the first time in my life..best thing ever. And I am still trying to learn the greatest lesson she wants to teach me and that is that chocolate heals everything..I'm working on it.   She is my Khloe.  She is my Kardashian sister in every way.  She was able to take a piece of coal and see the diamond. I have no idea how she was able to, but she did. She is definitely one of the most loyal people I know and I am positive that no amount of swearing or Sabbath day breaking or prank doing or boy bashing we have done this year will count to the amount of good she has blessed me with.  Whether it was hospital trip after hospital trip or phone call after phone call or person after person she dealt with because of me, she never quit.  The best part was she didn't lose herself. She was able to continue to find herself.  The days we spent becoming so close and connected with each other and our Father in Heaven, the more we were able to let our barriers down.
You see we both have been hurt by multiple people in multiple ways.  And finding each other was exactly what we needed.  The greatest cherry on top ever would be our completion with Katy and Kath.  We are so excited for February and many more "Februarys" to come for each of us.
Satan may have thought he scored some points when the two craziest people on earth were placed under the same roof but man did God jimmer him again.

All in all this post is just to show my public appreciation for JLo. I love her so much. She is one of my dearest friends who may not have a clue what to say to me when I'm having a bad day but she knows how to love me and I sure love her.  And oh how we love our K's. Jenny. Steph. Katy. Kath. FOREVER!