Life..some days it can be simply exhausting

I'm not one to go into a serious amount of detail and release it to the world..I'm fine with others doing it, it's not usually my style. I also don't keep a journal, but this is something I need to record, so I'm breaking my rules and releasing personal details online..forgive me!!

In the very first week of July, I noticed that I had a fever one or two nights in a row. No big deal, right..so I just ignored it. A week later I went to my mom's wedding in Arkansas, flew back to Utah, and realized while I was on the plane that I was absolutely miserable. Well, I had a fever from that day, July 11, until, well, I'm still sitting here with a fever on August 13. Every now and then I would feel it break, via incredible amounts of sweat, but within literally thirty minutes it would be back. For weeks I endured it, because I had no other symptoms. Until one day I woke up with the absolute worst migraine I've ever had. Just like the fever, I tried to break it with Tylenol, Aspirin, etc, but to no avail. It did not work. Nothing made the migraine go away. I continued to do my usual fourteen hour days and the migraine just made me want to shoot myself and everyone. Holy cow, have I been moody since this fever hit, and even more when the migraine did. Well, after four days my mom insisted I go to the doctor on Friday. I did..there were all types of things wrong with my vitals, and they all happened to be with the part of the brain called the hypothalamus. The doctor wanted to run more tests but wanted to get rid of the migraine first, so he gave me codeine and said it would do the trick. Well, it didn't. I took several, but then realized that the hallucinations and dizziness I was already experiencing just got worse. I kept fainting and so finally my mom got super worried, because I was getting worse. I had also found that my lymphnodes were extremely swollen, but I still had no symptoms of the common cold. And my fever was getting out of control. By Saturday night, I was feeling like I wasn't even the same person. I was going to go crazy. The next week and half is somewhat of a blur.

I continued to get worse and the symptoms weren't looking good. A doctor I'm close to suggested getting an MRI because there could be a blood vessel problem or tumor. Other medical professionals were also suggesting this could be a dangerous problem. I bought a plane ticket to come home, found people to pay to pack my house, clean my house, and get out. I stayed with a friend and relied on wonderful loyal people to help me out the next few days. My older brother flew into Salt Lake to help me fly home. My blood pressure had dropped so low there was serious danger of me losing consciousness on the flight, because I had been losing it during regular altitude. Let me preset this by saying that I workout everyday, I eat nutritious food everyday, 2100 calories about, sleep seven hours a night, work long, hard days, have good, fun weekends, and have a high pain tolerance. I had a surgery that doctors said one could only understand if they went through 8 days of childbirth. I know I'm a tough, healthy, unsickly person. Ok, I passed out getting out of the car and had to be escorted through the whole airport on a wheelchair. The flight was dreadful. And I love to fly! I want to be a flight attendant. By the time I got to Arkansas I had already wanted to die seven times that day. I couldn't feel my legs, I couldn't see straight, the list goes on. Well, I go back to a hospital that I have a great history with, good ol' UAMS Hospital. Always go to hospitals that have medical schools. They have the best technology and best knowledge cause they have to pass it on to the future, so they know what they are doing.

Anyways, so I'm sitting in a wheelchair in the doctors office. We talk, I explain the timeline of events I was dealing with. She asks my family to leave, and says she needs to talk to me. She does the whole physical and then says we need to have a serious talk. I could tell by the look on her face it wasn't good. She then goes on to tell me that there are two paths she is looking in to. The first is a viral path. She explains a few things about that path, and says I would never wish these viruses on anyone, especially together, however it's better than what I think may be happening. Big gulp. "Well, what do you think is happening," I ask, DREADING the answer. She says, "um..we need to..umm.. check you for cancer. I think you may have cancer in you."

My heart literally dropped completely out of my body and I can't even explain. I started sobbing. I know that many people have had harder things in life than I have. However, I had hoped that my effort to be healthy would have paid off. I couldn't control myself. But I had to, because I had to go see my family in the waiting room. Well, it was written all over my pale, pale face. I go get my tests done. They kept adding things to look for in the blood, like what they originally needed wasn't good enough. It was awful. I got the tests done, and then I finally had enough control to explain to my family what she said. Not a word was uttered on the way home. My mom just cried, I passed out asleep. My brothers, without my knowledge, were in the backseat looking up cancer on their phones. Every symptom I had could be explained by them. My brother said the odds that I had three viruses: mono, menagitis, and strep at the same time, versus the odds of cancer were just too hard for him to think about. We all go to sleep when we get home. Until we hear the phone ring....

The doctor called. She didn't sound okay. She stuttered as she explained to me what they found in the tests. "Well you have mono, and though, I've never said this, that's good. But they also found something else," my heart is dropping along with tears. My brothers start to hold me as I shake. "What did they find," I ask, not wanting to know the answer. "Well, you have some cell growth that isn't supposed to be there, and your white blood cell count isn't correct, and well...umm.. we had to send it to the pathology lab to look for the cancer in the cells. We think we found it, but hopefully we're wrong. Umm..We'll know tomorrow."

Okay well if the fear in the doctors voice didn't freak me out, my brothers both started crying, my mom obviously was crying, and I just sat there trying to be strong until I let out a loud shreak, and lost it. No words can express my emotional state of being this week. Thank the good Lord the cells replicated because I had so many viruses and the mono is one of the worst they have seen, not cancer. Thank the Lord my fainting, etc is not because of cancer but because I have a complication with my heart, that I have known about for a while, but thought was fine now. Thank the Lord for good, loyal, caring friends who I have been humbled by in this hard time. Thank the Lord for my supportive and incredible family and for prayer. I said a prayer right after that phone call, and I knew everything was going to fine. Thank the Lord for faith and the marvelous gift of the Holy Ghost. You never know what life has for you, but He does. I can't even begin to describe my sorrow and sympathy for those who get that follow up phone call after the pathology lab looks at things and they say, "you need to come in..you do in fact have cancer." I never was able to know an ounce of that fear, but now I have a small, small ounce of understanding, and my heart just breaks for those patients. I do know we have a literal Savior who felt everyone's pain. He is there through all of it. Two years ago is my last reference to that hospital, and oh man, do I remember the pain I experience, but oh how I remember my Savior being there for me. I know He needed to have me refocus on what's important in life. I hope I learned. I am grateful for His wisdom.

The menagitis and other bacterias have passed through or are on their way of passing through, the mono may take time, but I hope to be ready for fall semester. I'm going to slow life down. No need to live in the fast lane. My motto is going to be taking it slow, and remembering my priorities. Life may be short but it doesn't need to be shorter than necessary. For those that want to live in the fast lane, just pass me, I don't want to be a part of it anymore!!