Please. Read. Now.

I don't write a lot on my blog anymore, but I definitely remember the reason I started it. I started it because I had this desire to outlet all these emotions I felt inside and didn't think I would be able to in any other way than to write. I have had this huge rush of emotion lately. I believe we are called to bear one another's burdens, and this is exactly what I will write about.

 

My young adult life has not been completely without trials. One thing I believe is the power of another human being. Whether someone acts out of hate or out of love, there is power in mankind. I prefer to believe in the power of love.

 

Bailee and Taylor's story really didn't seem all that different from the beginning from any other BYU couple.

Boy meets girl.

Boy loves girl.

Girl says yes.

 

 

And then the story changes. It becomes much different than any other story you have heard. Three hours after being engaged, and while traveling home for the holidays, a terrible car accident occured. Maddie, Taylor's little sister (freshman at BYU), dies immediately. Bailee manages to flag down a car and help save her fiancee's life. (For a much better article read my friend Annaleece's blog here.)

Taylor, with Bailee's assistance, made it out alive but with incredible injuries. Medical bills are going to be incredibly high. Speaking from an individual who has had a fair share of medical bills, I can not imagine what it would have been like without insurance. Taylor's insurance will not be covering, so they are going to be entering the world of massive debt in a newlywed life.

 

People are good. I believe if you are reading this, you are a good person. The world is hard, and there is some bad, but all in all, I believe in humanity. I am also aware of the financial difficulties we are all facing, and how hard it is around the holidays. This morning I looked in my car and my pockets and my wallet and the bottom of my purse and found over two dollars. That money would have eventually been spent on Diet Coke, but it is not necessary to drink the amount of DC I do.  I looked this week and saw that between Subway and McAllisters Deli, I had spent another ten dollars. I think we can all give at least a dollar or two. In the world of medical bills, forty five dollars pays for a blood draw. It's over 26,000 dollars for lung surgery. The list could go on and on. And the amount they will owe will definitely go on.

 

Jesus Christ is the reason for the season. He is the most Giving, Compassionate Being to ever live. Give a dollar.

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And please PRAY.

"But time growing old, teaches all things."

But time growing old teaches all things.

Aeschylus

I specifically remember one Christmas many years ago where I went to bed extremely sad because Christmas was over and we were putting away the decorations and took down the Christmas tree, and I felt as if something was lost.  My mom said, "Christmas comes every year and it will be here before you know it.." I didn't believe her..it felt like FOREVER.  Now, time seems to just fly by.  Time is now a very strange concept in my mind. Many people say if we simply wait, time heals all wounds.  I never did believe that and I still don't.  Time doesn't heal all wounds.  What we do with our time determines our healing or lack thereof.  I was reading in the scriptures and found a verse that has meant more to me than words can say. It's found in the Book of Mormon (another testament of Jesus Christ) and it says:

 "He hath given unto you that ye might ^aknow good from evil, and he hath given unto you that ye might ^bchoose life or death; and ye can do good and be ^crestored unto that which is good, or have that which is good restored unto you; or ye can do evil, and have that which is evil restored unto you. "

As time passes by, the choices we make truly determines the people we become.  Going back to the topic of time..I have an uncanny memory for anniversary days. Not necessarily wedding anniversaries, but just remembering exactly what day some event may have occurred.  Some days I can remember the most insignificant details of these memories..now why I could not transpose that to some classes I don't know! My mind has been in memory lane this month.  I think it will continue to do that for the next few weeks. This time last year was a very special time of year for me.  Jeffrey R Holland once said that Liberty Jail was as a temple to Joseph Smith because of the learning and spiritual growth he found there was comparative to the experiences we should be having in the house of God. I feel as though I had my own--very small scaled--Liberty Jail last year.  The learning and growth I developed has been such a blessing to me.  
Despite the wonderful blessing and growth I felt, it does not change that I am still in charge of everyday choices.   I imagine there will be specific challenges that will never leave me, and some days they can feel very burdensome.  


I am grateful for the challenges I had last year.  It was a reality check that I desperately needed.  I am not yet where I need to be, but I know in small ways I am getting closer.  As I go throughout this life and think about what I would like for my future to hold, I know that it is my past that makes my future possible.  As I think of working with those that suffer with addictions, I am reminded of a truth I learned.  Whatever it is that we use to cover up emotional hardships, inadequacies, insecurities, or simply just wanting to compensate for what we don't feel worthy of...we must stop. This life can be full of so much growth.  Many of us are afraid of growth because our goals may be so high that it seems impossible to reach them, or maybe the idea of such growth might throw our lives off balance...or maybe we are addicted to chaos itself.  The list is far lengthier than that, but whatever it is you are hiding behind: STOP.  


I came upon a quote by C.S. Lewis a few months ago and have thought of it so much since then.  
“No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means — the only complete realist.” 


For those of you...and you know who you are...who are in that place where only one thing seems to be the answer..remember it is not.  You find out the strength of the wind by trying to walk against it.  Walk against the wind.  Keep going.  Every thing that seems so big now...I know it can all work out for the good. I can think of several things that seemed completely dark and without light and now I can see the sliver of light.  


As I thought about life last year and I thought about this year, others may or may not see the changes but it is not about them..and then I turned on the radio and the first words I heard were, 


"I woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain but I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face...I got a little bit stronger....It doesn't happen over night but you turn around and a month's gone by...."


Each of us will fall.  It is an inevitable part of life. However, I believe we are not judged by the amount of falls or even the height of the fall, but whether we allow the fall to become the only thing that ever happened or whether we get up and try again. 


I know this past year consisted of a lot of falls for me, and many people could have left me behind but so many waited and waited and waited for me to get back up.  Some of you carried me.  Some of you kicked me in the butt and said "keep going steph or else". Some of us sat together and cried while we were all fallen upon the ground.  And we cried until we laughed and vice versa.  Whatever it was, I needed it. Thank you to all of you who have helped me along the way. I met some of the most incredible people in my life through that journey last year and I know some of you may feel as though you will always fall and never get up...but I know you are a lot farther along then you think. I am proud to know you.  And, I love you. Each of you. 


As we look at the calendar and see another month end, don't let another month come and go without finding a way to improve yourself.  Time will not wait..it just keeps going.  We will grow and learn throughout this time we have.  

2011: Thank you and GoodBYE!

Well, I took forever to choose a title of this post because I knew it would be a wrap up of 2011 and well, that makes me feel a lot of different emotions. Lots and LOTS of memories come out from this year. Some are super super awesome and some are just the worst. Like Razorbacks losing to Ohio State and LSU. Horrible. Okay, well, football is just football, but in all honesty, this year has been all over the place for me.
I thought I would make a "gratitude" list of the top five lessons I learned this year.
5. I have been given at least five thousand and seventy six things to help teach me patience. And there is no such truth as once you learn patience you won't be tried. Because really, once you learn patience, you won't mind being tried. And I have not learned enough yet. Clearly. But I have learned a little bit more. Life is about progressing one day at a time. So I pray to be continually exposed to more situations that teach me patience.
4. Change is possible. Look at the 49ers. I mean, really, who at this point last year thought they would be going to the NFC championship and possible SUPERBOWL!! I sure didn't. On a more personal and serious note, I never thought I would be able to experience some of the incredible changes in my life I have this year. I am completely sure that we as humans are lame, but we can draw from God's power to be better.  We must always be looking to change because we never reach perfection and that is truly okay.
3. Each tear we have will be compensated by happiness if we live righteously.  I have had some difficult experiences this year. Some of them felt so awful I can't even stand to think about them.  At the same time, I have met some of the most important and wonderful people and felt so much love from above and truly reset my life into the right direction. I truly have the best friends and most wonderful family in the world. I love them all so very much. It has taken a lot of love and sacrifice from some people and I am eternally indebted.
2. Brussel sprouts taste like ink and eating cheesecake makes me feel like I'm making out with my food. I don't like either one and I never will. Period. And I still think I'm allergic to mushrooms. I hope Emily has reported my issues with brussel sprouts, cheesecake, ranch and mushrooms to God. RIP angel.
1. "People are often unreasonable, irrational and self centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. be honest and sincere anyway. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.  The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway. Give the best you have and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway. In the final analysis it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." I could not agree with a statement more. I feel as if I truly learned these principles this year, I haven't perfected any of them, but I really believe them with all my heart. I know I have and can get so caught up worried about what others may think or not feeling complete without external validation, but I've realized it really has nothing to do with anyone else. Peace is feeling that comes from within.  No external forces can disturb true peace. My life will be a journey towards peace.
Throughout it all I have come to believe more fully when we look back and see only one set of footprints it is because He was carrying us the whole time. Life is all about perspective. We each will have a different set of difficulties. Our attitude and perception is the part that matters most.
2011, I probably won't miss you too much, but without that chapter my life story would be shorter in more ways than one ;)