The Time to Be Happy is Now

Many years ago I attended a week where the LDS Church organizes classes, workshops, dances, etc for the youth of the Church.  It's called EFY and it is a very spiritual and uplifting experience for anyone who attends.  Classes range from every subject you can imagine.  I remember one class I went to and I will NEVER forget the message I learned.
The class taught that Heavenly Father wants all of His children to obtain joy.  The teacher said he has heard so many people say "I'll be happy when___________ happens".  They are waiting on external circumstances to change in order for him or her to be happy.  The teacher continues on and says we need to choose to be happy now and do the things which are right for us to be happy.
As I have said I have never forgot this class, and I hopefully never will.  I have tried to catch myself anytime I say I'll be happy when ______.  Cause the list could go on and on.  However, I know that you can not always just "be happy". There are other emotions too.
Last night, Katie was reading a book to Karaline, Carson, and I about all the different emotions this little girl had.  Depending on what was going on in her day effected what emotion she was feeling and at the end she says, although she would prefer to feel happy, silly, and excited over discouraged, angry, or sad; she knows it is okay to have all the emotions at different times cause they are always changing and that's ok.
I loved that. It is so true.  Our emotions are always changing, but happiness to me is not simply an emotion.  It's a journey. I'm on my journey to external happiness. I know there will be so many emotions I feel along the way but I choose to be happy now.
I catch myself daydreaming sometimes and imagining what life may be like next year or in five years, etc.  I would have never guessed that this year would have contained all of the experiences and craziness that it has but I am so so eternally and infinitely grateful for each and every experience.  I learned so much this year and I have found myself. My true self. It's a great feeling. You can't control everything or everyone around you and sometimes all you can do is just ride the wave.
I haven't nor will I ever make the best of every situation in the moment it happens. But I do hope I can always be grateful in the latter.
Let's be grateful for the ability to feel and to have different emotions, and realize happiness is a journey we are on and we choose that journey.

Confusing both Heaven and Hell

I am a big believer that each of us have angels put in our lives when we need them.  I have come to know that many of my friends and family members have been answers to my prayers just in the time I was in need.  I have often thanked God for this and it has been a part of my testimony in His Eternal Plan for all of us here on earth.

I think when He was deciding long ago who to put in my life and when it took quite a bit of time. But I don't think anything took quite as much thought and debate as matching me with Jenny Lowe.  I think both Heaven and Hell were confused the day we became roommates.  You see, long long ago, before the Earth was formed, Jenny and I were creating all kinds of mischief in Heaven, such as, tripping over something and smashing into Noah's ark, pushing down one of Abraham's kids, etc.  And yet, we were fighting Satan like crazy cause as we say now we hate that SOB, knowing full well that technically calling him an "SOB" is very inaccurate and disrespectful to Heavenly Mother.  Anyways, we hate him.  A lot. He has made our lives so miserable at times.  Especially when we fall in his stupid little traps.  You see, there are some commandments that are just really hard for us to follow.  Like we love going to Smiths but we especially love it on Sundays.  And we love to use our mouths, but it's even funner when you swear at drivers, boys, Kardashian haters, etc.  At the same time, we excel in some areas...like making candy posters for people having a hard time, and bearing our testimony about how awesome our Bishop is when the rest of the ward was pissed off at him, and writing a song for the one and only Scotty Catt.
So what I'm trying to say is that the day we met had to be quite the risk for God.  Knowing all the things we could damage, like literally breaking an entire shelf in Target, etc....yet knowing we could play life changing roles in each others lives.
There are so many reasons Jenny and I are friends.  We kind of complete each other in a totally non lesbian way.  Well that brings me to another point.  The day that Katy Michelle and Kathleen the Great were introduced to us.  It was MAGIC.  Their friendship is like Jenny and I's.  And Katy and I are soul sisters in the way that Jenny and Kath are which makes sense to why they were friends and we were friends.  THEN the best thing ever happened and we all became friends.  It was like the world was complete.  Well we need husbands..way to go Katy on that one...but then the world will be complete.
Back to Jenny and I for a minute..you see we probably have very few things in common from first glance but get a microscope out and we are the Khloe and Kims in this world.  Which brings me to the best thing I brought Jenny: the Kardashians.  I introduced her to them.  Okay so that wasn't the best thing I introduced her to, but the second best.  The first best was the ability to open up and become self aware.  Jenny hid her feelings a lot and it made me sad. So I made her oppppeennnnn up.  And she may not always like it but hey that's life.  The third best thing I introduced her to was country music. Her favorite song is Kiss my Country A$$.  And the fourth best was fruits and vegetables.
Jenny has given me so much more than I will ever repay her. She has not only stood by me throughout the HARDEST year of my life, she tried to stand in front to take some of it herself.  She realized she couldn't take it and that it was mine to carry, but she loved me all the way.  I went streaking for the first time in my life..best thing ever. And I am still trying to learn the greatest lesson she wants to teach me and that is that chocolate heals everything..I'm working on it.   She is my Khloe.  She is my Kardashian sister in every way.  She was able to take a piece of coal and see the diamond. I have no idea how she was able to, but she did. She is definitely one of the most loyal people I know and I am positive that no amount of swearing or Sabbath day breaking or prank doing or boy bashing we have done this year will count to the amount of good she has blessed me with.  Whether it was hospital trip after hospital trip or phone call after phone call or person after person she dealt with because of me, she never quit.  The best part was she didn't lose herself. She was able to continue to find herself.  The days we spent becoming so close and connected with each other and our Father in Heaven, the more we were able to let our barriers down.
You see we both have been hurt by multiple people in multiple ways.  And finding each other was exactly what we needed.  The greatest cherry on top ever would be our completion with Katy and Kath.  We are so excited for February and many more "Februarys" to come for each of us.
Satan may have thought he scored some points when the two craziest people on earth were placed under the same roof but man did God jimmer him again.

All in all this post is just to show my public appreciation for JLo. I love her so much. She is one of my dearest friends who may not have a clue what to say to me when I'm having a bad day but she knows how to love me and I sure love her.  And oh how we love our K's. Jenny. Steph. Katy. Kath. FOREVER!

Wait, I thought it was March...yes, oh yes I did

The other day Jenny texted me to tell me it was snowing and I was about to text her back and say, "well it is March so hopefully it will be over soon". Yeah I'm behind time. There have been certain times in my life where I can't even remember what month it is anymore.  This year has been pretty crazy and I have debated back and forth about what I would share on my blog and facebook.  I don't really think that many people read my blog but there are a few lessons I want to share with those who do, and  it honestly helps myself to put into words what's going through my head lately.
The last seven years have been unlike anything I could have imagined.  For the first sixteen years of my life I easily had one of the most content and happy lifestyles ever.  I never got in trouble.  My parents never fought.  I felt comfortable in my social circle. I was never the most popular but I made few enemies and had it pretty easy. I had good health and was progressing in figure skating. I was prepared to go to BYU where I would obtain my 3.7 GPA to get into law school and change the world.
One day things changed, and not to say I had bad luck, I just found myself going in a different direction then anticipated.  However I believe the Lord has an incredibly larger vision than my eyes do.  These past few years have presented what seems to be obstacle after obstacle.  This year in particular has been the hardest year of my life. And yet, this year has been my favorite.  Let me explain why..
A few months ago, I went on a recreational activity to Thanksgiving Point where I was able to create my own glass blown flower.  I went into this room with a furnace where I chose a color and watched as the technician and myself created this work of "art".  He placed the glass under intense amounts of heat and then brought it to me where I pounded and pressed my tool into this class to flatten it, and this time it looked NOTHING like a flower.  Then I used another tool to pull and manipulate the glass quick enough to craft it into a BEAUTIFUL flower.  I loved the way it turned out.  I learned a lot this day.  We have to go through some intense heat and we can't see the flower that we are to become but our Creator does.  You see, God and Jesus are always knows as our physical creators who created the worlds and us, but they continue to Create and mold us to what they see in the long run.  It takes heat and pressure and pushing and pulling.  And quite frankly it's really hard. But it is worth every amount of heat.
I'm definitely not done being molded, I know there are some more trials ahead, but I know the hand of the Lord is in all things.
I am so grateful for the incredible people in my life throughout this process. I felt like I had at least 50 cheerleaders this whole time.  I don't know what I'd do without these individuals and I pray they receive the upmost blessings.
As for where I'm at right now, I'm wrapping up things physically (I hope).  Goal: no more surgeries this year.  Likely hood of the goal happening: rare.  There may be two more. But that is ok.  I have been saved and redeemed by the power of Jesus Christ this year.  I know on my own, I am nothing, but He is able to give my strength to break the bonds I feel bound by.
I'm headed to Shreveport in a week!  I'll live with the Simpsons, help with the kids, play with them more like it.  Hang out with Katie--which I cannot wait for, we haven't hung out FOREVER. Start my new job.  Volunteer at the hospital to determine which area of work I will do there. I either want to go to med school, PA school, NP school, or get my Mstrs in PHA.  IT will be great.
I have found the new and rejuvenated me this year. I'm starting to like the person I see.  It's okay if everyone else doesn't.  That's expected, but finally I am.
This year had heartache, stress, insecurities, betrayal, love, trust, self esteem, spirituality, surgery after surgery, great friends, the most darling nephew ever, GREAT family, and just being alive is plenty enough!
All in all, this song is my life this year
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.

10 years later...

I started this on 9/11/11 but didn't finish it til now.......

I haven't blogged in forever, but found a topic I am passionate about to get me writing again.  I remember 9/11 like it was yesterday.  I was in 8th grade and up to that day I was known as being pretty ditzy and out of sorts with reality.  I just flew on my own wavelength and had no desire to make some huge difference in the world.  I remember being afraid at school because rumors had gone around my small town that our arsenal was going to be a target as well which would have been a nuclear disaster.  I, naturally, believed the rumors and had a massive freak out.  My dad came home from work early that day to meet up with us right after school.  I RAN to him dying to know what had happened. I walked in the door sat down on the couch and will never forget what I saw.  Those images of people jumping out of the building and the dusty chaos beneath them and the second plane and then the other planes along with it.  I was terrified and I felt so sick inside.  And then I found myself in complete amazement at what the next days consisted of..the many firefighters and rescue workers who made beyond their best efforts to save any person they could find.
My dad kept on world events so he caught on to the names of Osama, and Afghanistan, and Taliban a lot quicker than the rest of us did.  My mom got out a map cause we didn't even have a clue what the Middle East was.  From that day forward I seemed to have some new sense of caring and passion.  I began following the news and politics like never before. I wanted to be involved.  I began my plans to unleash my political front that I knew was going to change the world. I wanted to be the President of the United States. I wanted to fix EVERYTHING.
I realized I wouldn't be able to get there, but I definitely wanted to make the difference I could with what I had.  I became more interested in being smarter or atleast more informed.  I started doing civil service work with my dad and to make a long story short, my life was changed.  From that day forward, I saw that things were not simply about me and my life, but such a larger scale and that there are everyday heroes.  There are people fighting to make this country better, this world better in the way they can.  I know I won't ever be the President but I know I will make a difference.  Thank you to those incredible heroes that strengthened and added to my life in such monumental ways.  God Bless America

Why

I just got done listening to Rascal Flatt's song Why (posted at bottom of blog).  It's pretty much where my head has been all day. I found out this morning one of my dearest most bestest friends took her life.  Words can't really seem to come out of an individual, me, who always has so much to say.  All I can say is live life the best you can.  Don't judge people for illnesses we may not see that they have.  Mental illness is one of the most difficult and most lonely. Only those who have truly been to that deep and dark place can even begin to understand...but even then, it's only the Savior that can be the one to save any one going through that personal hell.
Emily, I love you so much. You made my summer so much more endurable.  I don't know what I would have done without you.  I'll never forget you. I remember one Saturday before I was able to get my blankets out, you let me use yours and in so many ways you were always so giving to others.  You were so wise and had so much to offer to the rest of us, but you couldn't see in yourself what the rest of us did. I know you will not have this awful monster in your life anymore.  You have so much strength and I know you will use it in Heaven to bless so many.  We (the best CFC crew ever) will never forget the words of wisdom and love and support you showed us.  I wish we could have another moment together, but I know that's coming in Heaven.

Dearest Emily I love you. I miss you.

Thank you Hilary and Mother Teresa

Well, if I was ever wondering how completely stereotypically female I am, the results are in, and it's a positive.  So, I have shed another tear because of feelings of complete inadequacy and failure...I know many females can empathize.  We all seem to do it, right? Well, I hope I'm not the only one.  I seem to have these overwhelming dramatic feelings. I don't know what to do with these mascara ruining moments and many times don't even know why they suddenly pop up from the middle of no where.  

Well, today, even though I totally and completely appreciated the many lessons I learned from General Conference, I had a complete breakdown.  I have so much room for progress in every aspect of my life and despite my knowledge of the Savior's ability to make up in the bajillion areas for which I lack, I just got discouraged.  Well, there is always and will always be a cure to these moments. 

1. Talk to my mom...her words are like magic. And she loves me. Unconditionally. (and listens unconditionally)

2. Church music...ahh..sometimes Taylor Swift can do it for me, but when she isn't even enough Hilary Weeks is. 

3. Mother Teresa quotes. 

4. Be ALONE. 

Let me expound....

Ok, well, no need for expounding for on why my mom is on the list...if you know her, you know why. 

Hilary Weeks gets it...I don't know what her experiences in life have been, but that woman knows what it's like to be a Latter-day Saint female.  You see, I'm convinced that many of us can avoid some of the HUGE pitfalls out there but the mists of darkness get us big time.  Discouragement, inadequacy, the lack of ability to see eternal potential, I think these can really get us when we aren't paying attention.  Let me give a few quotes from some of her songs that struck home tonight, 

"He knew there’d be moments when no earthly words

Could take away your sorrow 
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through 
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do 
He will lift your heavy load and carry you"

Another one..

"But I need you by my side
I don't have the strength
To make it on my own
And Lord, do you hear my prayer
How soon will you answer me? "

And my absolute favorite

"It may seem simple all the little things you do, 

But the lives you touch matter so much, 

And there's no one else like you. 

Father needs you to stand tall and faithful..oh if you could see what he sees."

So anyways, finally, I love Mother Teresa....I don't understand how someone could be so phenomenally service oriented and not want to pull her hair out..anyhow some day I shall ask her..until then, I love her quotes. I google them regularly.  It seems as if there is always one that answers a question I have.  This week this specific quote hit the spot.  

      People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

            If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

            If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed              anyway.

           If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

            What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

            If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

            The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

         Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

         In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway. 

FINALLY, I think it's important we just sit by our self with our self completely isolated from what anyone can say to us besides God. There's too much noise in this world.  Too many people pulling us this way and that. As that great woman says, it was never between us and them anyway. SO I learned that talking to God is going to be much more beneficial than letting my mind be consumed with my mile long list of imperfections....He can take care of that list more than I can.  

Anyways, if anyone is feeling this way, try out this list. I believe it. 

The Illusion of Control

An interesting conversation I had last week helped me re-evaluate what I refer to as the illusion of control.  I have had a difficult time in my few adult years to understand what I truly have control over.  Growing up, I felt that if I did my best to try and be a "good little girl", everyone would get along and everything would be fine.  When my brothers would fight with one another, I would try and help create peace (well many times I'm sure I jumped in to fight too) but I knew I would receive praise from parents about being a peacemaker and being a "good little girl".  Well now I'm an adult, and I've realized life just isn't as simple as when I was seven years old.  There are some situations where no matter what you do, you won't come out with everyone thinking you were still the "good little girl".  Why is this? Because it's not in our control.  You can only do as much as humanly possible sometimes before you have run out of the area in which you can actually control.  What we can not control is how other people feel about us.  I can not seem to deal with this reality and find myself going crazy dealing with that possibility that it may be true.  We are all wired differently. What effects me in a particular way will not effect my neighbor in the same manner.  While I have a conversation with someone and get one thing out of it, someone else can have a completely different perspective.  
This is all okay, and in the end, everything will fall where it should...unless we are incapable of accepting what we can and can not control.  I have tried everything from making a list of a column of what I can control and a column of what I can not, journaling about it, reading books about it, talking to professionals, friends, family, etc, and I can not get myself to accept the reality.  
And then, I realized I had the answer in front of me the whole time.  President Ucthdorf's talk last October was an answer to my prayers.  He says, 
"My dear brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most. Let us be mindful of the foundational precepts our Heavenly Father has given to His children that will establish the basis of a rich and fruitful mortal life with promises of eternal happiness. They will teach us to do “all these things … in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that [we] should run faster than [we have] strength. [But] it is expedient that [we] should be diligent, [and] thereby … win the prize.”"


So the reason I love this so much is because I realize that by me freaking about the things, people, situations, feelings, etc. I can not control, I am not focusing on what matters most.  Continuing forward with what I can control instead of dwelling on what I can not would be the most important task I could carry out at this time in life.  I am so grateful for our modern day revelation that helps me in every aspect of my life!!