Family and Monday Night Football: Isn't it about...time?

Yesterday I was sitting, well actually, standing and pacing , as I watched 49ers Quarterback, Alex Smith turning over the ball to the Saints like it was their Christmas present. And as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in my brothers old and over sized but still ridiculously awesome Niners jersey, yelling at the TV; my mind flashed back to many years ago. If you would have told me when I was seven years old that I would have willingly chosen to change my plans so that I could watch a football game, I would have said you're crazy.

You see, I have a very distinct memory from a very, very young age. I was laying in bed, angry because I couldn't sleep because of the obnoxiousness of my boys. It was a common occurrence to be annoyed with all the testosterone in the house: I come from a family of only boys, besides my mom. I, being the only girl, felt I had many disadvantages (now, after living with girls for so long, I have found that I was actually very blessed :)) and I always had to voice my opposition to..well..everything. I used the, "daddy, I'm the only girl and it's not fair" complaint as much as possible.

Well, anyways, as I am laying in bed, I all of a sudden hear a very loud and deep, TOUCHDOWN 49ERRRRRSSSSS from my dad, followed by two other yelps from my brothers. I remember getting out of bed, walking out of my room and saying "BE QUIEEETTTT, I'm trying to sleep, you know". My dad told me to come watch it with them, and I walked out and sat in "the triangle". (This was a place on the couch that was perfect for my little tiny body, made by my dad's bent-knees against the couch.) I sat and watched the game with my boys..oh I love my three boys. I was probably 8 or 9 years old. My whole life I have known that when it comes to football, it's all about the Niners. My dad grew up loving them, and passed on the tradition to us.

Growing up, my dad was an extremely busy man. At this point in particular, he was opening up several additional branches, President of Rotary International, and President of Chamber of Commerce. He was also bishop. He was gone all the time. Stress was just my parents life, I don't know how they did it. Fall time meant football time. I knew that football games were just a part of life on Sundays, Mondays, and Saturdays. It seemed like something that I could never get away from, and I was more interested in watching the figure skating competitions, cheerleading competitions, or Boy Meets World. I remember at 7, 8, or 9 years old just waiting for the day I could control the TV and I would never watch this crap again.

Well, to make a long story short of how I grew to love the game, I did. I'm sure being in junior high and high school and going to the games made an impact. I'm sure that gaining an understanding of what was going on in the game helped. But the biggest reason: football represents my boys. One night I got home from ice skating practice. It was kind of a rainy night. Ryan had a lot of energy and in order to get rid of it, wanted to throw some ball in the front yard. So, being exhausted, but loving that little one, we went outside. I had to do 10 pushups every time I fumbled the ball. I loved it, well, maybe not in the moment of my 38th push up...

Anyways..By the time I hit college, I had a solid love of the game. I remember crying the first Friday night of the football season, knowing I couldn't watch my lil man play for White Hall. (even if he only cheered on the sidelines on some games) I remember crying the first time the Hogs played, knowing I wasn't in the good ol' South to enjoy the sweetness of D Mac's success. I remembering smiling from ear to ear the night in my freshman year, Ryan talked to me for THREE hours on the phone about different plays used by coaches and his opinions on them. The list goes on...

As time has passed and family dynamics have definitely changed, I still feel close to my boys through a game. We are all in very different places in life, geographically not being the only one, and yet, every time those Niners come on, and every time I hear, "Are you ready for some football..a Monday night party..." I think of me wearing one of my daddy's big t-shirts and shakin my butt singin that song. And then, in that moment of deja vu, the distance doesn't seem as far and the personal differences don't seem as separable.

It may sound dumb to think that seeing 22 guys on a field, all trying to get a ball to one side or the other can draw a family closer, but I believe it can. When it comes to family, it's all about the simple things; the memories; the not-so-picture perfect moments that are perfect in some bizarre way. It's about the moments that you think you can't wait to be over, but when they are, you'd do anything to have just another breath in that moment. With family, it's all about the time.

P.S. Are you ready for some football?? I am!

Life..some days it can be simply exhausting

I'm not one to go into a serious amount of detail and release it to the world..I'm fine with others doing it, it's not usually my style. I also don't keep a journal, but this is something I need to record, so I'm breaking my rules and releasing personal details online..forgive me!!

In the very first week of July, I noticed that I had a fever one or two nights in a row. No big deal, right..so I just ignored it. A week later I went to my mom's wedding in Arkansas, flew back to Utah, and realized while I was on the plane that I was absolutely miserable. Well, I had a fever from that day, July 11, until, well, I'm still sitting here with a fever on August 13. Every now and then I would feel it break, via incredible amounts of sweat, but within literally thirty minutes it would be back. For weeks I endured it, because I had no other symptoms. Until one day I woke up with the absolute worst migraine I've ever had. Just like the fever, I tried to break it with Tylenol, Aspirin, etc, but to no avail. It did not work. Nothing made the migraine go away. I continued to do my usual fourteen hour days and the migraine just made me want to shoot myself and everyone. Holy cow, have I been moody since this fever hit, and even more when the migraine did. Well, after four days my mom insisted I go to the doctor on Friday. I did..there were all types of things wrong with my vitals, and they all happened to be with the part of the brain called the hypothalamus. The doctor wanted to run more tests but wanted to get rid of the migraine first, so he gave me codeine and said it would do the trick. Well, it didn't. I took several, but then realized that the hallucinations and dizziness I was already experiencing just got worse. I kept fainting and so finally my mom got super worried, because I was getting worse. I had also found that my lymphnodes were extremely swollen, but I still had no symptoms of the common cold. And my fever was getting out of control. By Saturday night, I was feeling like I wasn't even the same person. I was going to go crazy. The next week and half is somewhat of a blur.

I continued to get worse and the symptoms weren't looking good. A doctor I'm close to suggested getting an MRI because there could be a blood vessel problem or tumor. Other medical professionals were also suggesting this could be a dangerous problem. I bought a plane ticket to come home, found people to pay to pack my house, clean my house, and get out. I stayed with a friend and relied on wonderful loyal people to help me out the next few days. My older brother flew into Salt Lake to help me fly home. My blood pressure had dropped so low there was serious danger of me losing consciousness on the flight, because I had been losing it during regular altitude. Let me preset this by saying that I workout everyday, I eat nutritious food everyday, 2100 calories about, sleep seven hours a night, work long, hard days, have good, fun weekends, and have a high pain tolerance. I had a surgery that doctors said one could only understand if they went through 8 days of childbirth. I know I'm a tough, healthy, unsickly person. Ok, I passed out getting out of the car and had to be escorted through the whole airport on a wheelchair. The flight was dreadful. And I love to fly! I want to be a flight attendant. By the time I got to Arkansas I had already wanted to die seven times that day. I couldn't feel my legs, I couldn't see straight, the list goes on. Well, I go back to a hospital that I have a great history with, good ol' UAMS Hospital. Always go to hospitals that have medical schools. They have the best technology and best knowledge cause they have to pass it on to the future, so they know what they are doing.

Anyways, so I'm sitting in a wheelchair in the doctors office. We talk, I explain the timeline of events I was dealing with. She asks my family to leave, and says she needs to talk to me. She does the whole physical and then says we need to have a serious talk. I could tell by the look on her face it wasn't good. She then goes on to tell me that there are two paths she is looking in to. The first is a viral path. She explains a few things about that path, and says I would never wish these viruses on anyone, especially together, however it's better than what I think may be happening. Big gulp. "Well, what do you think is happening," I ask, DREADING the answer. She says, "um..we need to..umm.. check you for cancer. I think you may have cancer in you."

My heart literally dropped completely out of my body and I can't even explain. I started sobbing. I know that many people have had harder things in life than I have. However, I had hoped that my effort to be healthy would have paid off. I couldn't control myself. But I had to, because I had to go see my family in the waiting room. Well, it was written all over my pale, pale face. I go get my tests done. They kept adding things to look for in the blood, like what they originally needed wasn't good enough. It was awful. I got the tests done, and then I finally had enough control to explain to my family what she said. Not a word was uttered on the way home. My mom just cried, I passed out asleep. My brothers, without my knowledge, were in the backseat looking up cancer on their phones. Every symptom I had could be explained by them. My brother said the odds that I had three viruses: mono, menagitis, and strep at the same time, versus the odds of cancer were just too hard for him to think about. We all go to sleep when we get home. Until we hear the phone ring....

The doctor called. She didn't sound okay. She stuttered as she explained to me what they found in the tests. "Well you have mono, and though, I've never said this, that's good. But they also found something else," my heart is dropping along with tears. My brothers start to hold me as I shake. "What did they find," I ask, not wanting to know the answer. "Well, you have some cell growth that isn't supposed to be there, and your white blood cell count isn't correct, and well...umm.. we had to send it to the pathology lab to look for the cancer in the cells. We think we found it, but hopefully we're wrong. Umm..We'll know tomorrow."

Okay well if the fear in the doctors voice didn't freak me out, my brothers both started crying, my mom obviously was crying, and I just sat there trying to be strong until I let out a loud shreak, and lost it. No words can express my emotional state of being this week. Thank the good Lord the cells replicated because I had so many viruses and the mono is one of the worst they have seen, not cancer. Thank the Lord my fainting, etc is not because of cancer but because I have a complication with my heart, that I have known about for a while, but thought was fine now. Thank the Lord for good, loyal, caring friends who I have been humbled by in this hard time. Thank the Lord for my supportive and incredible family and for prayer. I said a prayer right after that phone call, and I knew everything was going to fine. Thank the Lord for faith and the marvelous gift of the Holy Ghost. You never know what life has for you, but He does. I can't even begin to describe my sorrow and sympathy for those who get that follow up phone call after the pathology lab looks at things and they say, "you need to come in..you do in fact have cancer." I never was able to know an ounce of that fear, but now I have a small, small ounce of understanding, and my heart just breaks for those patients. I do know we have a literal Savior who felt everyone's pain. He is there through all of it. Two years ago is my last reference to that hospital, and oh man, do I remember the pain I experience, but oh how I remember my Savior being there for me. I know He needed to have me refocus on what's important in life. I hope I learned. I am grateful for His wisdom.

The menagitis and other bacterias have passed through or are on their way of passing through, the mono may take time, but I hope to be ready for fall semester. I'm going to slow life down. No need to live in the fast lane. My motto is going to be taking it slow, and remembering my priorities. Life may be short but it doesn't need to be shorter than necessary. For those that want to live in the fast lane, just pass me, I don't want to be a part of it anymore!!

One More Day

Life is full of ups and downs. Changes come and go regularly. We were sent here to grow from these changes. The Lord knew what we would experience, and allows us to because He knows what is to gain from it. Henry B. Eyring said, "It is clear that we will need more than human strength. The Psalmist was right: “But the salvation of the righteous is of the Lord: he is their strength in the time of trouble.” The restored gospel of Jesus Christ gives us help in knowing how to qualify for the strength of the Lord as we deal with adversity." One thing I've been thinking of lately is the lesson of not taking people for granted. You never know when someone won't be in your life again.
Diamond Rio came up with the perfect song to express my somewhat deep thoughts today.
Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didnt ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you


One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do


Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

I know that I speak for myself and many of you when I say I am surrounded by so many people that love me. It's so easy to get caught up in the things of the world, but I know that the most important gift we can give ourselves and those around us is love. Be grateful for those who love you and those you have the pleasure to love. We have no guarantees with those around us, our only solid guarantee is that Heavenly Father knows and loves us, and our Savior Jesus Christ is our personal Redeemer and Friend. They will compensate every tear shed and every heart broken while we live and learn on Earth. How blessed we truly are!!

Lately

I forget about this thing (blog) on a regular basis. Life has been absolutely crazy lately. This is by far the most stressful semester I have had. It doesn't really feel like it, but I think it may be. So, I just got hired at Gold's Gym as a personal trainer! This is really exciting. I love the gym. It has really helped with some personal/physical/mental recovering that I needed. It will be fun to work there, crazy to add to my schedule, but fun. I went to the orthopedic surgeon to have my medial meniscus looked at, and I have a meniscial tear. This will prevent me from competing in a figure skating competition this year...so that's a bummer. But, Dr. Kimball, the doctor of the BYU football team told me that he has not seen a female with such a developed quadricep complex with such little damage, which means (he says) I have perfect form in exercise. He says I am in better shape, health wise, than 90 % of his patients. He was really proud of me. This was seriously like a tender mercy of the Lord. I have really struggled with a couple things regarding my body, and I have always been upset by diagnoses from the doctor. Meanwhile, every blessing I get talks about how healthy of a life I will live. I finally understand!! Yay!! I am just so grateful for this. I know I will live a great life!
Let's see...what else...my mom is getting remarried...awkward. I guess I always thought she wouldn't get remarried until I was married. I haven't exactly been honest with her with my feelings about this. But, somehow she found out. And she texted me and said I love you and am putting your name on the temple prayer roll. Holy cow..my mother is perfect. She is so intuitive. She is the second greatest blessing the Lord has given me. I feel like I can go through anything in this life because I have such a great, supportive mother.
The weather has made me so happy lately! It's gorgeous. Although, it has severe ADD and will snow tomorrow I'm sure. I can't wait to start hiking and swimming and tennis. I love outside things!!
Hmm..I feel like I should put something insightful I have learned lately. Well, it's not really insightful, and I'm sure everyone has already learned this, but seriously...can I just say that Heavenly Father is fully and completely aware of us and where we are at in life? He totally is! And I'm so grateful. He gives me exactly what I need for growth and happiness.
Oh, and boys are still gay...they make my life a living hell on a regular basis...I should figure out how to fix this.

Oh, Hollywood, you've done it again.

Really, Heidi Montag, really? Heidi Montag just underwent twelve hours of plastic surgery to have ten different adjustments made to her body. On GMA, she said that she didn't think she was pretty enough, that triple D's weren't big enough, and that she had to look in the mirror everyday and to be happy she needed to change her looks. Oh my sadness. She wants to look like Barbie and thinks that becoming a new and improved person is just fine and a choice that only affects her. Oh really? Girls and women will continue to pick their bodies apart, because women like Heidi think they can become a manufactured body? It is heart breaking to me that as a dear friend of mine just recognized her year mark of being paralyzed in an accident and celebrates her lessons learned as she will never walk again, that Heidi would complain about one dang wrinkle. She disgusts me. I feel bad for her that she has the feelings that she has, but the fact that she is willing to promote plastic surgery in that way is ridiculous. Heavenly Father doesn't mess up. He knew what He was doing when He created us. Confidence will never come to Heidi because she doesn't know where to find it. Confidence comes from as virtue, modesty, and chastity, because these things take the attention off of the external, superficial, physical parts of us. When we look inside ourselves and figure out who we are from the inside and then have that reflect and shine forth....THEN we can have confidence. We as women need to stand up and proclaim this. One of my new goals and a goal I have never had before in my life is modesty. I finally figured out why it's important. We will never be happy or have confidence if we focus on the external, superficial things. Dressing immodestly places attention on my body in a way that will not bring happiness. As I watch the Olympics aka the best two weeks of my life, I LOVE to see all the incredible things done with a human body. These people take years and years and even decades developing skill that I can only imagine. They practice and practice and work and work. And they grow to be confident and they compete against the best of the best. This is what I want my kids to think is done with a human body, not looking like Barbie. These people deserve the spotlight, not Heidi Montag.

Life is a gym...didn't you know?

So I have had a lot on my mind lately. Whether it's watching the news or talking with friends or thinking about my own life, it seems as if there are always people that are having a hard time. So many people do really stupid things that affect other people. It is so hard to care about someone and see them do something that is wrong and won't bring them happiness. I was talking to my mom about it and told her that in my world, the worst thing that would ever happen to someone is they lose a football game, which can be pretty tragic, especially if it's to LSU. :) Well, later, I was talking to God about this. And I told Him that I just don't know how he can stand to watch His kids do such stupid things to hurt each other and themselves. Then there is things like Haiti, Katrina, and other natural disasters that are hard for people. I told Him that I just don't even know if I want to deal with all that pain of watching my kids get so hurt someday. So I told Him that I was just going to have them deal with football losses. Well, He said, "stephanie, do you really want your children to grow up with no life muscles?" See, I love the muscular system. My major is the greatest, all we do is study the body and fitness. Everyone knows that muscles are developed by a wearing and tearing of a muscle. This week I was doing my upper body workout. I was supposed to balance on an exercise ball and then bench 50 pounds. It was so so hard the first time I did it, I seriously could feel my arms just getting numb as the weights kept coming towards my face. My trainer spotted me the last few times and helped me push up what I couldn't but he would not let me just wimp out and not complete my total reps. Well the second time I worked my upper body I was able to do it with more ease, and not as much help from my trainer. The point is, I got more strength because my trainer made me do something I didn't think I could and wouldn't take the weights off, just helped ease the amount it affected my arms. Well, we need life muscles even more than we need muscles for our body. And in life, our trainer (Christ) isn't always going to take the weights off us, but just help spot us so that it doesn't crush us. And as we continue to exert faith and strength, we will see that it is easier the next time it's time to deal with heavy weights again. Well, as God via the Spirit is telling me this, I realized that if the worst thing that happened to us was a loss to LSU or the UofU then we would just be lifting five pounders when we could lift a lot more. We would be very weak, when we could be very strong. I am paying good money to get strong with my trainer just like Christ paid a huge price to get us to be strong. We can do it, y'all!! I know somedays just seem unbearable because of the heartache of this life. But heaven isn't too far. He comes and gives us bits and pieces as often as we seek, especially in the gym.

Christmas Report and Winter Updates Mixed in with a little advice to all you busy folks!

Okay I am like religiously opposed to overloading my blog, but I went like three weeks without writing...so I'm going to write two within the same day!! So, Christmas was great! I spent it with my family in California. Michael took me to Wicked aka the most awesome three hours of my life! I loved it. I'm sure I'll have a blog about it sometime. I love my family. I missed my dad. I wish he was still a part of my family...I mean I know he is, but I don't know it's obviously not the same. Anyways, I am so blessed with my extended family. My mom's dad and her two brothers are phenomenal and really step up to be a father figure in each of our lives. I love them more than they will ever know I think! Michael and Ryan are the best brothers I could ask for. I mean, sometimes, I wish they were more active in the Gospel. I just know how much happiness it brings me, but I love them nonetheless. They are fantastic to me. Ryan said, "you know steph when people ask me about my family, I say 'my mom is the nicest person i know, michael is the smartest person i know and well my sister, she's my favorite person i know". And let's be honest my mom is a priceless jewel in my life. Gosh, I think God told me I was going to have the most angelic mother there was but I would have to endure other trials to have her and I was like, sign me up. She's honestly worth it! I have so much respect for her. So yeah Christmas was GREAT!!! Love the holiday. Love every kind of celebration of Christ we can have!
Okay, so now for Winter updates....HOLY BUSYYYYY!!! The break was like a weird one, I knew it would be the last break I have for a long time. I will be in 18 credits Winter, 9 credits Spring, 9 credits Summer, 20 credits Fall, plus Independent Study to finish up so I can graduate. I work twenty hours a week. I will be certifying soon to be a trainer and add about sevenish hours a week training people. I already spend a good hour or two at the gym everyday. Ice skating practice at 6 am (which is why I need to be sleeping right now). I'm meeting with a new advisor to try and crack out this obesity/eating disorder prevention campaign soon. Prepping for graduate school. Ahhhh!!!! So, I hate saying the things that I'm busy with, but don't worry there is a purpose. One of my favorite scriptures is in Matthew 14:23. Jesus had been running around healing people, teaching people, you know saving the world. Well, it says, "And when he sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray and when the evening was come, he was there alone". Oh my gosh everyone stop what you are doing right now and pick this scripture apart to how it applies to your life. I just think that if the Man who could endure all pain and suffering possible felt in needful to go away into the mountains by Himself, shouldn't we also take time for meditation and reflection alone? I know for me, I get so caught up with people and just doing things to just do them, I need to sit down look at myself (internally) and make sure I'm on the right track...That the things I do have purpose and meaning. A wise friend once said to me, "steph, I learned the most when I found out how to be okay with myself by myself". With no one else's approval or validation, are we really ok? I say this typing a blog that I expect people to read and validate haha. But seriously, think about it. Are you okay with yourself and your life without other's validation or direction? I have a long ways to go, but it's something I have been working on for TWO years!! Holy crap, it's been that long since my road to self discovery. Well here was a significant milestone I achieved tonight. BYUSA campaigning is coming up, oh joy, and I was asked to be a part of a core team. I have always done this, and it's weird to actually say no, but I did! I thought about it by myself without any input from outside sources besides God and me and then God and I made the decision to decline. Although this seems very minuscule, I know the Lord cares. I know that who I am does not consist of what I do. So even though that list makes me feel busy, it shouldn't make me feel any more important and of worth than if I did one thing on the list. I am so so so so so grateful for this belief I finalllllly developed. It has made a serious and lasting impact in my life. So as the new year starts and you make goals, just remember that it's about who we become not what we do. We have a long, long time to develop, we don't need to meet every expectation this year!!
On that subject, I just want to share my last soap box. Coolest discovery thus far in my college career: I'm going to live a long life!!! So with different things I do to take care of myself I will live an average 17 years longer than the average person in America!! AWESOME. These things include: religion, duh; exercise, nutrition, no smoking, no alcohol, aka WORD OF WISDOM. It's true people!!! Isn't that great! Oh and in the Word of Wisdom it says that the promise is to run and not be weary, walk and not faint...if that's a promise, we should probably start doing those things now, its not just gonna hit us when we die. We need to develop healthy habits while we can!! Eat well and exercise!! Take care of that beautiful God given body!!
Thanks to all my family and friends that make life better every day and I'm excited for the next 70 years we have together and then on to....FOREVER!!! <3