Wait, I thought it was March...yes, oh yes I did

The other day Jenny texted me to tell me it was snowing and I was about to text her back and say, "well it is March so hopefully it will be over soon". Yeah I'm behind time. There have been certain times in my life where I can't even remember what month it is anymore.  This year has been pretty crazy and I have debated back and forth about what I would share on my blog and facebook.  I don't really think that many people read my blog but there are a few lessons I want to share with those who do, and  it honestly helps myself to put into words what's going through my head lately.
The last seven years have been unlike anything I could have imagined.  For the first sixteen years of my life I easily had one of the most content and happy lifestyles ever.  I never got in trouble.  My parents never fought.  I felt comfortable in my social circle. I was never the most popular but I made few enemies and had it pretty easy. I had good health and was progressing in figure skating. I was prepared to go to BYU where I would obtain my 3.7 GPA to get into law school and change the world.
One day things changed, and not to say I had bad luck, I just found myself going in a different direction then anticipated.  However I believe the Lord has an incredibly larger vision than my eyes do.  These past few years have presented what seems to be obstacle after obstacle.  This year in particular has been the hardest year of my life. And yet, this year has been my favorite.  Let me explain why..
A few months ago, I went on a recreational activity to Thanksgiving Point where I was able to create my own glass blown flower.  I went into this room with a furnace where I chose a color and watched as the technician and myself created this work of "art".  He placed the glass under intense amounts of heat and then brought it to me where I pounded and pressed my tool into this class to flatten it, and this time it looked NOTHING like a flower.  Then I used another tool to pull and manipulate the glass quick enough to craft it into a BEAUTIFUL flower.  I loved the way it turned out.  I learned a lot this day.  We have to go through some intense heat and we can't see the flower that we are to become but our Creator does.  You see, God and Jesus are always knows as our physical creators who created the worlds and us, but they continue to Create and mold us to what they see in the long run.  It takes heat and pressure and pushing and pulling.  And quite frankly it's really hard. But it is worth every amount of heat.
I'm definitely not done being molded, I know there are some more trials ahead, but I know the hand of the Lord is in all things.
I am so grateful for the incredible people in my life throughout this process. I felt like I had at least 50 cheerleaders this whole time.  I don't know what I'd do without these individuals and I pray they receive the upmost blessings.
As for where I'm at right now, I'm wrapping up things physically (I hope).  Goal: no more surgeries this year.  Likely hood of the goal happening: rare.  There may be two more. But that is ok.  I have been saved and redeemed by the power of Jesus Christ this year.  I know on my own, I am nothing, but He is able to give my strength to break the bonds I feel bound by.
I'm headed to Shreveport in a week!  I'll live with the Simpsons, help with the kids, play with them more like it.  Hang out with Katie--which I cannot wait for, we haven't hung out FOREVER. Start my new job.  Volunteer at the hospital to determine which area of work I will do there. I either want to go to med school, PA school, NP school, or get my Mstrs in PHA.  IT will be great.
I have found the new and rejuvenated me this year. I'm starting to like the person I see.  It's okay if everyone else doesn't.  That's expected, but finally I am.
This year had heartache, stress, insecurities, betrayal, love, trust, self esteem, spirituality, surgery after surgery, great friends, the most darling nephew ever, GREAT family, and just being alive is plenty enough!
All in all, this song is my life this year
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.

10 years later...

I started this on 9/11/11 but didn't finish it til now.......

I haven't blogged in forever, but found a topic I am passionate about to get me writing again.  I remember 9/11 like it was yesterday.  I was in 8th grade and up to that day I was known as being pretty ditzy and out of sorts with reality.  I just flew on my own wavelength and had no desire to make some huge difference in the world.  I remember being afraid at school because rumors had gone around my small town that our arsenal was going to be a target as well which would have been a nuclear disaster.  I, naturally, believed the rumors and had a massive freak out.  My dad came home from work early that day to meet up with us right after school.  I RAN to him dying to know what had happened. I walked in the door sat down on the couch and will never forget what I saw.  Those images of people jumping out of the building and the dusty chaos beneath them and the second plane and then the other planes along with it.  I was terrified and I felt so sick inside.  And then I found myself in complete amazement at what the next days consisted of..the many firefighters and rescue workers who made beyond their best efforts to save any person they could find.
My dad kept on world events so he caught on to the names of Osama, and Afghanistan, and Taliban a lot quicker than the rest of us did.  My mom got out a map cause we didn't even have a clue what the Middle East was.  From that day forward I seemed to have some new sense of caring and passion.  I began following the news and politics like never before. I wanted to be involved.  I began my plans to unleash my political front that I knew was going to change the world. I wanted to be the President of the United States. I wanted to fix EVERYTHING.
I realized I wouldn't be able to get there, but I definitely wanted to make the difference I could with what I had.  I became more interested in being smarter or atleast more informed.  I started doing civil service work with my dad and to make a long story short, my life was changed.  From that day forward, I saw that things were not simply about me and my life, but such a larger scale and that there are everyday heroes.  There are people fighting to make this country better, this world better in the way they can.  I know I won't ever be the President but I know I will make a difference.  Thank you to those incredible heroes that strengthened and added to my life in such monumental ways.  God Bless America

Why

I just got done listening to Rascal Flatt's song Why (posted at bottom of blog).  It's pretty much where my head has been all day. I found out this morning one of my dearest most bestest friends took her life.  Words can't really seem to come out of an individual, me, who always has so much to say.  All I can say is live life the best you can.  Don't judge people for illnesses we may not see that they have.  Mental illness is one of the most difficult and most lonely. Only those who have truly been to that deep and dark place can even begin to understand...but even then, it's only the Savior that can be the one to save any one going through that personal hell.
Emily, I love you so much. You made my summer so much more endurable.  I don't know what I would have done without you.  I'll never forget you. I remember one Saturday before I was able to get my blankets out, you let me use yours and in so many ways you were always so giving to others.  You were so wise and had so much to offer to the rest of us, but you couldn't see in yourself what the rest of us did. I know you will not have this awful monster in your life anymore.  You have so much strength and I know you will use it in Heaven to bless so many.  We (the best CFC crew ever) will never forget the words of wisdom and love and support you showed us.  I wish we could have another moment together, but I know that's coming in Heaven.

Dearest Emily I love you. I miss you.

Thank you Hilary and Mother Teresa

Well, if I was ever wondering how completely stereotypically female I am, the results are in, and it's a positive.  So, I have shed another tear because of feelings of complete inadequacy and failure...I know many females can empathize.  We all seem to do it, right? Well, I hope I'm not the only one.  I seem to have these overwhelming dramatic feelings. I don't know what to do with these mascara ruining moments and many times don't even know why they suddenly pop up from the middle of no where.  

Well, today, even though I totally and completely appreciated the many lessons I learned from General Conference, I had a complete breakdown.  I have so much room for progress in every aspect of my life and despite my knowledge of the Savior's ability to make up in the bajillion areas for which I lack, I just got discouraged.  Well, there is always and will always be a cure to these moments. 

1. Talk to my mom...her words are like magic. And she loves me. Unconditionally. (and listens unconditionally)

2. Church music...ahh..sometimes Taylor Swift can do it for me, but when she isn't even enough Hilary Weeks is. 

3. Mother Teresa quotes. 

4. Be ALONE. 

Let me expound....

Ok, well, no need for expounding for on why my mom is on the list...if you know her, you know why. 

Hilary Weeks gets it...I don't know what her experiences in life have been, but that woman knows what it's like to be a Latter-day Saint female.  You see, I'm convinced that many of us can avoid some of the HUGE pitfalls out there but the mists of darkness get us big time.  Discouragement, inadequacy, the lack of ability to see eternal potential, I think these can really get us when we aren't paying attention.  Let me give a few quotes from some of her songs that struck home tonight, 

"He knew there’d be moments when no earthly words

Could take away your sorrow 
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through 
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do 
He will lift your heavy load and carry you"

Another one..

"But I need you by my side
I don't have the strength
To make it on my own
And Lord, do you hear my prayer
How soon will you answer me? "

And my absolute favorite

"It may seem simple all the little things you do, 

But the lives you touch matter so much, 

And there's no one else like you. 

Father needs you to stand tall and faithful..oh if you could see what he sees."

So anyways, finally, I love Mother Teresa....I don't understand how someone could be so phenomenally service oriented and not want to pull her hair out..anyhow some day I shall ask her..until then, I love her quotes. I google them regularly.  It seems as if there is always one that answers a question I have.  This week this specific quote hit the spot.  

      People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

            If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

            If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed              anyway.

           If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

            What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

            If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

            The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

         Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

         In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway. 

FINALLY, I think it's important we just sit by our self with our self completely isolated from what anyone can say to us besides God. There's too much noise in this world.  Too many people pulling us this way and that. As that great woman says, it was never between us and them anyway. SO I learned that talking to God is going to be much more beneficial than letting my mind be consumed with my mile long list of imperfections....He can take care of that list more than I can.  

Anyways, if anyone is feeling this way, try out this list. I believe it. 

The Illusion of Control

An interesting conversation I had last week helped me re-evaluate what I refer to as the illusion of control.  I have had a difficult time in my few adult years to understand what I truly have control over.  Growing up, I felt that if I did my best to try and be a "good little girl", everyone would get along and everything would be fine.  When my brothers would fight with one another, I would try and help create peace (well many times I'm sure I jumped in to fight too) but I knew I would receive praise from parents about being a peacemaker and being a "good little girl".  Well now I'm an adult, and I've realized life just isn't as simple as when I was seven years old.  There are some situations where no matter what you do, you won't come out with everyone thinking you were still the "good little girl".  Why is this? Because it's not in our control.  You can only do as much as humanly possible sometimes before you have run out of the area in which you can actually control.  What we can not control is how other people feel about us.  I can not seem to deal with this reality and find myself going crazy dealing with that possibility that it may be true.  We are all wired differently. What effects me in a particular way will not effect my neighbor in the same manner.  While I have a conversation with someone and get one thing out of it, someone else can have a completely different perspective.  
This is all okay, and in the end, everything will fall where it should...unless we are incapable of accepting what we can and can not control.  I have tried everything from making a list of a column of what I can control and a column of what I can not, journaling about it, reading books about it, talking to professionals, friends, family, etc, and I can not get myself to accept the reality.  
And then, I realized I had the answer in front of me the whole time.  President Ucthdorf's talk last October was an answer to my prayers.  He says, 
"My dear brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most. Let us be mindful of the foundational precepts our Heavenly Father has given to His children that will establish the basis of a rich and fruitful mortal life with promises of eternal happiness. They will teach us to do “all these things … in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that [we] should run faster than [we have] strength. [But] it is expedient that [we] should be diligent, [and] thereby … win the prize.”"


So the reason I love this so much is because I realize that by me freaking about the things, people, situations, feelings, etc. I can not control, I am not focusing on what matters most.  Continuing forward with what I can control instead of dwelling on what I can not would be the most important task I could carry out at this time in life.  I am so grateful for our modern day revelation that helps me in every aspect of my life!!

Going back to the reason I started this blog

A year and a half ago I was sitting in my room thinking about an impact a certain individual made on my life.  I so badly wanted to be able to share with the world how I felt and I wished everyone could have experienced that feeling.  I am feeling this way again, so here comes a sappy blog entry.  Bear with it if you want..

So, life has been crazy lately.  I have noticed a trend in my life and when it rains it pours. This is true with happy things and not-so-happy things as well.  However, as humans, we tend to notice the stressful things.  Anyways, life has been full...of a lot.  So today I ended up in a situation that could have been such an annoying and miserable few hours but ended up being one of the most teachable experiences of my life.  Because of a certain turn of events, I was feeling somewhat sorry for myself but as I stepped back, I realized I had so much to be grateful for. As I was going through a certain challenge, I saw that not only were there one set of footprints on the sand, there were like twenty, because I had so much support from those around me.

And then I met my new friend. My new friend had pretty much no one supporting him.. He's a severe alcoholic and was hospitalized today for SERIOUS alcohol poisoning.  He was so sick.  He was dropped off by a friend and didn't know when he was going to be picked up.  He sat in the ER room crying, like uncontrollable sobs.  My roommate and I felt sorry for him because no one was paying attention to him.  So, we did.  Jenny, with her incredibly open and hilarious personality, was able to make him feel totally comfortable.  And then I sat with him and talked to him about life.  I know I don't totally understand what he's going through, and truly I have very little experience with many of his specific heartaches.  However, I was able to relate to a certain extent and as I talked to him I was reminded why I love strangers.

My friend wasn't able to see himself the way God did.  He hated himself and figured everyone around him felt the same way.  It broke my heart to see the way he treated himself and the little respect he gave his body.  He has had so much disappointment and heartache that it just broke him.  He couldn't stand to see what his life had become and to deal with the horribleness of all of it turned to a source that seemed to give him some form of temporary comfort.  But, in the end, all it did was give him broken promises.

We all, in some way, find outlets to deal with our disappointment and frustration.  For my friend it was alcohol, but everyone does something.  If you don't, either you are reading this from Heaven cause you were translated or you haven't been pushed to your limits.  But one day we all will be pushed to our limits.  We don't know how we will deal with situations 'til we come across them.  What I do know is the Savior knows. He knows why my friend is doing what he is.  He isn't angry or even disappointed.  He feels so sad for him. I saw this as I looked at this sweet man in the eyes.  I felt so much love for him because of God's love for him, and I knew him. We all knew each other in Heaven and made promises to each other that we would help each other along the way. I am so grateful for this man. He may never know truly how much he helped me tonight.  I hope someday I can tell him when we sit and chat in Heaven.  However, God knows. And that's why He's in charge.  We won't understand everything in this world while we are here.  Someday we will.  Every now and then we get glimpses of what life is really about and why we are here. We will lose sight of it, but that's why God is in charge. He will gently remind us.  I am so grateful for my friend.  I love him.  I know he is my brother. We are all brothers and sisters and we need to treat each other as such.  Some people may judge my friend, but I know he has such great potential just as we all do.  I think the greatest Valentines present I ever got was the love for this man.  Because somehow (and someday I hope to understand how) it taught me to love myself.  We are all children of a loving Father, a God in fact, and we need to treat ourselves as His property, for that is why He sent His son, so He could claim us.

I am so eternally grateful for these reminders.  I am so grateful for the support I have around me.  I have such an incredibly loving family.  I get the nicest texts, the sweetest compliments, the most "i love you's", and frequent phone calls to remind me.  I am grateful for my roommates.  I am so blessed by them. They listen, they teach, they encourage, they help in so many ways.  I am so grateful for my wonderful home and visiting teachers, who are by far some of the most inspired people I have EVER met.  I am grateful for church leaders and former church leaders who are more of a family then anything.  I am grateful for strangers who really aren't strangers at all.  Just heavenly siblings I haven't seen in a long while.  I am so grateful God has a plan, because mine sure does suck, but His is miraculous.  He gives us everything we possibly want and so much more.

A Blessing that Goes Unrecognized

Sometimes I have no idea where my brain cells are...I created this great post around Thanksgiving and then realized I posted it on the wrong blog and so I copied the info to later post it into this blog and then must have copied something else, because it's gone...anyways sum of the story..I'm an idiot..no new news. And what sucks even more was that I spent a lot of time making that blog cute..so now I am just sad :( But..the good news is I can spend time on this post again and it's a happy post so it will make me even happier!

So there will be few posts that will be as raw and true as this post. My mind has been pondering this for a very long time and I have felt I just need to really express how I feel.  

A few weeks ago I was so angry.  I was throwing myself a complete pity party, which at the time felt completely deserved, but pity parties never do get us anywhere and that's beyond the point. This was beyond a bad day, but it was just ridiculously terrible week, probably in my top ten list of most awful weeks ever.  So do you have the picture in your mind of me being in a bad mood and hating life? Hopefully, when you picture Stephanie Burdick, your mind doesn't automatically go to that kind of mental picture, but many of you have seen the rather emotional side of me..anyways..let me proceed to the point of this blog

So, as life comes to an awful point, unknowingly I was rescued.  Whether it was the email from my far away and somewhat locked up bestie or the party my girlies drug me to or the embrace from my "utah mom", the burdens of this week went away...and up to this point I haven't felt them since.  I have thought of the rest of my "top ten worst weeks ever", and realized that each of these were also followed in the same way.  

In ways that I will probably never fully comprehend, but yet strongly believe, God has a very organized way of putting the people we need at the times in which we need them.  I have been given this blessing in more ways and at more times then I can ever fully express gratitude for.  God knows what my life is going to consist of and He knows there are many things He can not control without interfering with other's agency and so He uses angels on this Earth to help me out. 

As I endure different experiences, I hope I am then able to help others as well and it becomes a cycle.  Nothing feels better than being able to help or serve someone you love. This whole cycle is simple yet complex at the same time.  Whatever it is,  I know I have found it to be one of the most incredible blessings in my life.  

Thank you for the memories y'all. Thank you for lifting me up. Thank you for letting me lift you up when necessary.  Thank you for the drive up to Squaw peek. Thank you for the walks around the track while drinking "water" from diet coke cans.  Thank you for making me laugh as we get lost for the millioneth time. Thank you for the movie nights. Thank you for the lunch dates. Thank you for being the only one I can think to turn to late at night after I ran nine million miles and about wanted to die and you saved me with hot chocolate and a shoulder to cry on.  Thank you for letting me cry on your lap in sacrament meeting. Thank you for the late night cereal parties and 7th Heaven quotes. Thank you for the fun nights of partying! Thank you for dancing with me.  Thank you for taking me out for my birthday.  Thank you for making me a part of your family.  Thank you for introducing me to a new meaning of midnight snacks and the laughter of our "sos"ing.  Thank you for yogurt nights.  Thank you for metaphorically slapping me in the face when I needed it.  Thanks for literally literally literally saving my life when it wasn't convenient.  Thank you for knowing everything about me and loving me anyway.  

I know I haven't remembered all the times I am thinking of, but there are so many memories I have and each of these were times in which I can picture me being in a hard time and being rescued by one of you.  I love you all so much and am so grateful for all the angels in my life.