Please. Read. Now.

I don't write a lot on my blog anymore, but I definitely remember the reason I started it. I started it because I had this desire to outlet all these emotions I felt inside and didn't think I would be able to in any other way than to write. I have had this huge rush of emotion lately. I believe we are called to bear one another's burdens, and this is exactly what I will write about.

 

My young adult life has not been completely without trials. One thing I believe is the power of another human being. Whether someone acts out of hate or out of love, there is power in mankind. I prefer to believe in the power of love.

 

Bailee and Taylor's story really didn't seem all that different from the beginning from any other BYU couple.

Boy meets girl.

Boy loves girl.

Girl says yes.

 

 

And then the story changes. It becomes much different than any other story you have heard. Three hours after being engaged, and while traveling home for the holidays, a terrible car accident occured. Maddie, Taylor's little sister (freshman at BYU), dies immediately. Bailee manages to flag down a car and help save her fiancee's life. (For a much better article read my friend Annaleece's blog here.)

Taylor, with Bailee's assistance, made it out alive but with incredible injuries. Medical bills are going to be incredibly high. Speaking from an individual who has had a fair share of medical bills, I can not imagine what it would have been like without insurance. Taylor's insurance will not be covering, so they are going to be entering the world of massive debt in a newlywed life.

 

People are good. I believe if you are reading this, you are a good person. The world is hard, and there is some bad, but all in all, I believe in humanity. I am also aware of the financial difficulties we are all facing, and how hard it is around the holidays. This morning I looked in my car and my pockets and my wallet and the bottom of my purse and found over two dollars. That money would have eventually been spent on Diet Coke, but it is not necessary to drink the amount of DC I do.  I looked this week and saw that between Subway and McAllisters Deli, I had spent another ten dollars. I think we can all give at least a dollar or two. In the world of medical bills, forty five dollars pays for a blood draw. It's over 26,000 dollars for lung surgery. The list could go on and on. And the amount they will owe will definitely go on.

 

Jesus Christ is the reason for the season. He is the most Giving, Compassionate Being to ever live. Give a dollar.

http://www.payitsquare.com/collect-page/8802

And please PRAY.

"But time growing old, teaches all things."

But time growing old teaches all things.

Aeschylus

I specifically remember one Christmas many years ago where I went to bed extremely sad because Christmas was over and we were putting away the decorations and took down the Christmas tree, and I felt as if something was lost.  My mom said, "Christmas comes every year and it will be here before you know it.." I didn't believe her..it felt like FOREVER.  Now, time seems to just fly by.  Time is now a very strange concept in my mind. Many people say if we simply wait, time heals all wounds.  I never did believe that and I still don't.  Time doesn't heal all wounds.  What we do with our time determines our healing or lack thereof.  I was reading in the scriptures and found a verse that has meant more to me than words can say. It's found in the Book of Mormon (another testament of Jesus Christ) and it says:

 "He hath given unto you that ye might ^aknow good from evil, and he hath given unto you that ye might ^bchoose life or death; and ye can do good and be ^crestored unto that which is good, or have that which is good restored unto you; or ye can do evil, and have that which is evil restored unto you. "

As time passes by, the choices we make truly determines the people we become.  Going back to the topic of time..I have an uncanny memory for anniversary days. Not necessarily wedding anniversaries, but just remembering exactly what day some event may have occurred.  Some days I can remember the most insignificant details of these memories..now why I could not transpose that to some classes I don't know! My mind has been in memory lane this month.  I think it will continue to do that for the next few weeks. This time last year was a very special time of year for me.  Jeffrey R Holland once said that Liberty Jail was as a temple to Joseph Smith because of the learning and spiritual growth he found there was comparative to the experiences we should be having in the house of God. I feel as though I had my own--very small scaled--Liberty Jail last year.  The learning and growth I developed has been such a blessing to me.  
Despite the wonderful blessing and growth I felt, it does not change that I am still in charge of everyday choices.   I imagine there will be specific challenges that will never leave me, and some days they can feel very burdensome.  


I am grateful for the challenges I had last year.  It was a reality check that I desperately needed.  I am not yet where I need to be, but I know in small ways I am getting closer.  As I go throughout this life and think about what I would like for my future to hold, I know that it is my past that makes my future possible.  As I think of working with those that suffer with addictions, I am reminded of a truth I learned.  Whatever it is that we use to cover up emotional hardships, inadequacies, insecurities, or simply just wanting to compensate for what we don't feel worthy of...we must stop. This life can be full of so much growth.  Many of us are afraid of growth because our goals may be so high that it seems impossible to reach them, or maybe the idea of such growth might throw our lives off balance...or maybe we are addicted to chaos itself.  The list is far lengthier than that, but whatever it is you are hiding behind: STOP.  


I came upon a quote by C.S. Lewis a few months ago and have thought of it so much since then.  
“No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means — the only complete realist.” 


For those of you...and you know who you are...who are in that place where only one thing seems to be the answer..remember it is not.  You find out the strength of the wind by trying to walk against it.  Walk against the wind.  Keep going.  Every thing that seems so big now...I know it can all work out for the good. I can think of several things that seemed completely dark and without light and now I can see the sliver of light.  


As I thought about life last year and I thought about this year, others may or may not see the changes but it is not about them..and then I turned on the radio and the first words I heard were, 


"I woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain but I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face...I got a little bit stronger....It doesn't happen over night but you turn around and a month's gone by...."


Each of us will fall.  It is an inevitable part of life. However, I believe we are not judged by the amount of falls or even the height of the fall, but whether we allow the fall to become the only thing that ever happened or whether we get up and try again. 


I know this past year consisted of a lot of falls for me, and many people could have left me behind but so many waited and waited and waited for me to get back up.  Some of you carried me.  Some of you kicked me in the butt and said "keep going steph or else". Some of us sat together and cried while we were all fallen upon the ground.  And we cried until we laughed and vice versa.  Whatever it was, I needed it. Thank you to all of you who have helped me along the way. I met some of the most incredible people in my life through that journey last year and I know some of you may feel as though you will always fall and never get up...but I know you are a lot farther along then you think. I am proud to know you.  And, I love you. Each of you. 


As we look at the calendar and see another month end, don't let another month come and go without finding a way to improve yourself.  Time will not wait..it just keeps going.  We will grow and learn throughout this time we have.  

2011: Thank you and GoodBYE!

Well, I took forever to choose a title of this post because I knew it would be a wrap up of 2011 and well, that makes me feel a lot of different emotions. Lots and LOTS of memories come out from this year. Some are super super awesome and some are just the worst. Like Razorbacks losing to Ohio State and LSU. Horrible. Okay, well, football is just football, but in all honesty, this year has been all over the place for me.
I thought I would make a "gratitude" list of the top five lessons I learned this year.
5. I have been given at least five thousand and seventy six things to help teach me patience. And there is no such truth as once you learn patience you won't be tried. Because really, once you learn patience, you won't mind being tried. And I have not learned enough yet. Clearly. But I have learned a little bit more. Life is about progressing one day at a time. So I pray to be continually exposed to more situations that teach me patience.
4. Change is possible. Look at the 49ers. I mean, really, who at this point last year thought they would be going to the NFC championship and possible SUPERBOWL!! I sure didn't. On a more personal and serious note, I never thought I would be able to experience some of the incredible changes in my life I have this year. I am completely sure that we as humans are lame, but we can draw from God's power to be better.  We must always be looking to change because we never reach perfection and that is truly okay.
3. Each tear we have will be compensated by happiness if we live righteously.  I have had some difficult experiences this year. Some of them felt so awful I can't even stand to think about them.  At the same time, I have met some of the most important and wonderful people and felt so much love from above and truly reset my life into the right direction. I truly have the best friends and most wonderful family in the world. I love them all so very much. It has taken a lot of love and sacrifice from some people and I am eternally indebted.
2. Brussel sprouts taste like ink and eating cheesecake makes me feel like I'm making out with my food. I don't like either one and I never will. Period. And I still think I'm allergic to mushrooms. I hope Emily has reported my issues with brussel sprouts, cheesecake, ranch and mushrooms to God. RIP angel.
1. "People are often unreasonable, irrational and self centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. be honest and sincere anyway. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.  The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway. Give the best you have and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway. In the final analysis it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." I could not agree with a statement more. I feel as if I truly learned these principles this year, I haven't perfected any of them, but I really believe them with all my heart. I know I have and can get so caught up worried about what others may think or not feeling complete without external validation, but I've realized it really has nothing to do with anyone else. Peace is feeling that comes from within.  No external forces can disturb true peace. My life will be a journey towards peace.
Throughout it all I have come to believe more fully when we look back and see only one set of footprints it is because He was carrying us the whole time. Life is all about perspective. We each will have a different set of difficulties. Our attitude and perception is the part that matters most.
2011, I probably won't miss you too much, but without that chapter my life story would be shorter in more ways than one ;)

Karma, maybe?

Tonight is a great night for me. As I come upon the week of Thanksgiving I begin to reflect. After Thanksgiving, there is Christmas which is definitely the most wonderful holiday ever. And then you have time for New Years and the resolutions for the new year.  So every Thanksgiving I begin my inventory.  It starts with all my blessings, thanks to the nature of the holiday, and then I ask myself what I have done with this year and the blessings I have received.  This year has been a complete and total roller coaster.  Like crazy, not allowed at Disneyland type roller coaster. I have had moments where I could have been better, but overall I made some miraculous and imperative changes in my life this year.  It has taken a lot of work and a lot of patience and a lot of faith.  Overall, I can truly say I'm actually proud of myself. I'm in a really good place and I am so happy. Life has presented challenges and I have put myself through the ringer and although I know I'm not perfect AT ALL, I stilll have the right to feel proud, right? 

On that note, I am so thrilled about my football teams.  This may seem extremely trivial and stupid, but I was able to attend a Razorback game a couple weeks ago and I was filled with so much happiness as I watched the great team of Arkansas fight so hard to obtain their well deserved ranking.  They have had a rough year of losing Kniles Davis and then having three top defensive players out during the Alabama game to now losing a player to death.  Yet, they continue to show up. My Niners are also doing awesome.  It may seem stupid to be so excited about football, but my life is full of memories of this great sport.  

I am so thankful for the joy that is brought to us in all different ways.  Whether its a beautiful flower, a phenomenal sunset, or a 98 yard punt return by Joe Adams, life can have its moments of perfection.  There will always be trials.  But finding joy in life is as easy or as difficult as we want it to be.  

I am hoping my teams continue to move forward, because as I stated in my title...I'm hoping Karma will work its magic and my teams will hit the top.  :) Woo Pig Sooie. and Who's got it better than us? Nobody?

Two best sayings of the year. 

Love is the Heart of the World

I just wanted to give an update of my life.  I'm obsessed to say the least with Lady A's song "Heart of the World", which is why it's my title to this blog, but it also completely describes how I feel about life right now.
I have always loved the human body and studying it.  My favorite body organs are the heart and the brain. The past several years I have done a lot of research on both of these organs.  The heart is an incredible muscle.  It is the way the rest of our body works. It provides the foundation for which our brain can receive oxygen, along with giving cells to the rest of the body.  Yes, I know the body all works together but the heart is truly remarkable.  In this way, relate love as being the heart of the world.  It is the driving force for keeping the world in motion.  I loveeeee loveeeeee loveeeeee this song by Lady A. I listen to it at least nine times a day.
So with that, my life is pretty much revolving around that notion.  Love is the heart of the world.  I've realized that love truly can be the greatest force this world has.  Whatever it is you love will drive you to do great things or not so great things.  Thankfully, I'm on the greater end of things right now.
I have the time of my life living with the Simpsons.  I haven't felt so much peace in so long.  We are super busy and things can get pretty crazy, but there isn't a second I would trade.  Dakota is an all-star at school.  He's doing a phenomenal job of growing up.  He is so responsible and so willing to help and so strong in his faith.  I am so proud of him. I remember holding him as a baby and thinking life can't get any better.  He's growing into a wonderful young man.  Gage is, well Gage.  He is the most chill, laid back kid ever until you put him on the football field. Dang, can that boy play. It's insane. I'm determined he is the next Tyler Wilson :) He is such a sweet boy and I'll never forget the days of rocking that sweet baby to sleep. Karaline is the GIRL.  She is all girl. She has the most adorable clothes ever and is a walking magazine cause she is so adorable. She is silly as can be and is so much fun.  She makes me smile so much. I loveee to watch her at gymnastics.  Brings back good ol memories for me. And then we get to Carson. Oh gees.  What to say..he is the funniest kid I have ever been around in my life.  He makes up stories like you wouldn't believe.  His imagination is like a movie. Every story is this elaborate detailed longgggg conversation in his head.  and he gets the CUTEST look on his face.  Oh I just love it. He is a game player and puzzle maker and book reader. And Wyatt and Katie are just incredible examples to me.  They are such good parents.  Everything is focused on the family and Gospel.  There is so much love in this house.
I love being close to home.  I went home last week for a day and half and then to Fayetville for the weekend to watch my Hogs rule the world.with my lil man Ryry.
  I love my job.  My boss and I get along really well..unless LSU comes up. Then I must put him in his place. Naturally. I love that I can come home by the time the kids are getting done with school and we can play and make dinner and read books and do homework.  I love doing pretty much anything with Katie. We have fun grocery shopping, working on the kids school projects, housework, shopping, running errands, etc.
I am recovering really well from this year's events.  The most critical parts of my body are doing well.  Post surgery is still difficult. I deal with a lot of pain.  It's natural after the invasive procedures they did.  Katy Michelle and David (shout out while I'm on it--yay for the engagement) and Ben and myself all watched my surgery and it was painful just to watch the DVD.  It was sickkkk.  I'll spare the details but if anyone is interested in medical stuff, you would love it.  I am just so grateful they caught everything in time, so when the pain is here, I just thank God for doctors.  I am so grateful to have the worst behind me.  I was able to find a great medical supplies store and get this awesome ice pack that also has aromatherapy. Everyone needs one. It can be frozen or heated.  I have no clue how they make it but in my many years of doctor and hospital visits I haven't seen anything like it, but it's heaven.  It helps quite a bit.  I will be ready when I never have to deal with problems in this area ever again.
So it's looking like I may be getting things in order to prepare for the possibilities of medical school. Crazy. I know. I'll go more into that another time. But God is in everything we do if we let Him. That sums that up pretty well.
Well, I encourage everyone to listen to Heart of the World and read the lyrics.  Faith really can beat the odds.  I am so grateful for the many tender mercies of the Lord in my life. I feel so incredibly blessed.  It's not just a feeling though, it's reality.  I am very blessed. I am actually super excited for another blog post I am working on right now but I don't have it all worded together right, but it's a good one. Some great lessons I learned this year.

The Time to Be Happy is Now

Many years ago I attended a week where the LDS Church organizes classes, workshops, dances, etc for the youth of the Church.  It's called EFY and it is a very spiritual and uplifting experience for anyone who attends.  Classes range from every subject you can imagine.  I remember one class I went to and I will NEVER forget the message I learned.
The class taught that Heavenly Father wants all of His children to obtain joy.  The teacher said he has heard so many people say "I'll be happy when___________ happens".  They are waiting on external circumstances to change in order for him or her to be happy.  The teacher continues on and says we need to choose to be happy now and do the things which are right for us to be happy.
As I have said I have never forgot this class, and I hopefully never will.  I have tried to catch myself anytime I say I'll be happy when ______.  Cause the list could go on and on.  However, I know that you can not always just "be happy". There are other emotions too.
Last night, Katie was reading a book to Karaline, Carson, and I about all the different emotions this little girl had.  Depending on what was going on in her day effected what emotion she was feeling and at the end she says, although she would prefer to feel happy, silly, and excited over discouraged, angry, or sad; she knows it is okay to have all the emotions at different times cause they are always changing and that's ok.
I loved that. It is so true.  Our emotions are always changing, but happiness to me is not simply an emotion.  It's a journey. I'm on my journey to external happiness. I know there will be so many emotions I feel along the way but I choose to be happy now.
I catch myself daydreaming sometimes and imagining what life may be like next year or in five years, etc.  I would have never guessed that this year would have contained all of the experiences and craziness that it has but I am so so eternally and infinitely grateful for each and every experience.  I learned so much this year and I have found myself. My true self. It's a great feeling. You can't control everything or everyone around you and sometimes all you can do is just ride the wave.
I haven't nor will I ever make the best of every situation in the moment it happens. But I do hope I can always be grateful in the latter.
Let's be grateful for the ability to feel and to have different emotions, and realize happiness is a journey we are on and we choose that journey.

Confusing both Heaven and Hell

I am a big believer that each of us have angels put in our lives when we need them.  I have come to know that many of my friends and family members have been answers to my prayers just in the time I was in need.  I have often thanked God for this and it has been a part of my testimony in His Eternal Plan for all of us here on earth.

I think when He was deciding long ago who to put in my life and when it took quite a bit of time. But I don't think anything took quite as much thought and debate as matching me with Jenny Lowe.  I think both Heaven and Hell were confused the day we became roommates.  You see, long long ago, before the Earth was formed, Jenny and I were creating all kinds of mischief in Heaven, such as, tripping over something and smashing into Noah's ark, pushing down one of Abraham's kids, etc.  And yet, we were fighting Satan like crazy cause as we say now we hate that SOB, knowing full well that technically calling him an "SOB" is very inaccurate and disrespectful to Heavenly Mother.  Anyways, we hate him.  A lot. He has made our lives so miserable at times.  Especially when we fall in his stupid little traps.  You see, there are some commandments that are just really hard for us to follow.  Like we love going to Smiths but we especially love it on Sundays.  And we love to use our mouths, but it's even funner when you swear at drivers, boys, Kardashian haters, etc.  At the same time, we excel in some areas...like making candy posters for people having a hard time, and bearing our testimony about how awesome our Bishop is when the rest of the ward was pissed off at him, and writing a song for the one and only Scotty Catt.
So what I'm trying to say is that the day we met had to be quite the risk for God.  Knowing all the things we could damage, like literally breaking an entire shelf in Target, etc....yet knowing we could play life changing roles in each others lives.
There are so many reasons Jenny and I are friends.  We kind of complete each other in a totally non lesbian way.  Well that brings me to another point.  The day that Katy Michelle and Kathleen the Great were introduced to us.  It was MAGIC.  Their friendship is like Jenny and I's.  And Katy and I are soul sisters in the way that Jenny and Kath are which makes sense to why they were friends and we were friends.  THEN the best thing ever happened and we all became friends.  It was like the world was complete.  Well we need husbands..way to go Katy on that one...but then the world will be complete.
Back to Jenny and I for a minute..you see we probably have very few things in common from first glance but get a microscope out and we are the Khloe and Kims in this world.  Which brings me to the best thing I brought Jenny: the Kardashians.  I introduced her to them.  Okay so that wasn't the best thing I introduced her to, but the second best.  The first best was the ability to open up and become self aware.  Jenny hid her feelings a lot and it made me sad. So I made her oppppeennnnn up.  And she may not always like it but hey that's life.  The third best thing I introduced her to was country music. Her favorite song is Kiss my Country A$$.  And the fourth best was fruits and vegetables.
Jenny has given me so much more than I will ever repay her. She has not only stood by me throughout the HARDEST year of my life, she tried to stand in front to take some of it herself.  She realized she couldn't take it and that it was mine to carry, but she loved me all the way.  I went streaking for the first time in my life..best thing ever. And I am still trying to learn the greatest lesson she wants to teach me and that is that chocolate heals everything..I'm working on it.   She is my Khloe.  She is my Kardashian sister in every way.  She was able to take a piece of coal and see the diamond. I have no idea how she was able to, but she did. She is definitely one of the most loyal people I know and I am positive that no amount of swearing or Sabbath day breaking or prank doing or boy bashing we have done this year will count to the amount of good she has blessed me with.  Whether it was hospital trip after hospital trip or phone call after phone call or person after person she dealt with because of me, she never quit.  The best part was she didn't lose herself. She was able to continue to find herself.  The days we spent becoming so close and connected with each other and our Father in Heaven, the more we were able to let our barriers down.
You see we both have been hurt by multiple people in multiple ways.  And finding each other was exactly what we needed.  The greatest cherry on top ever would be our completion with Katy and Kath.  We are so excited for February and many more "Februarys" to come for each of us.
Satan may have thought he scored some points when the two craziest people on earth were placed under the same roof but man did God jimmer him again.

All in all this post is just to show my public appreciation for JLo. I love her so much. She is one of my dearest friends who may not have a clue what to say to me when I'm having a bad day but she knows how to love me and I sure love her.  And oh how we love our K's. Jenny. Steph. Katy. Kath. FOREVER!

Wait, I thought it was March...yes, oh yes I did

The other day Jenny texted me to tell me it was snowing and I was about to text her back and say, "well it is March so hopefully it will be over soon". Yeah I'm behind time. There have been certain times in my life where I can't even remember what month it is anymore.  This year has been pretty crazy and I have debated back and forth about what I would share on my blog and facebook.  I don't really think that many people read my blog but there are a few lessons I want to share with those who do, and  it honestly helps myself to put into words what's going through my head lately.
The last seven years have been unlike anything I could have imagined.  For the first sixteen years of my life I easily had one of the most content and happy lifestyles ever.  I never got in trouble.  My parents never fought.  I felt comfortable in my social circle. I was never the most popular but I made few enemies and had it pretty easy. I had good health and was progressing in figure skating. I was prepared to go to BYU where I would obtain my 3.7 GPA to get into law school and change the world.
One day things changed, and not to say I had bad luck, I just found myself going in a different direction then anticipated.  However I believe the Lord has an incredibly larger vision than my eyes do.  These past few years have presented what seems to be obstacle after obstacle.  This year in particular has been the hardest year of my life. And yet, this year has been my favorite.  Let me explain why..
A few months ago, I went on a recreational activity to Thanksgiving Point where I was able to create my own glass blown flower.  I went into this room with a furnace where I chose a color and watched as the technician and myself created this work of "art".  He placed the glass under intense amounts of heat and then brought it to me where I pounded and pressed my tool into this class to flatten it, and this time it looked NOTHING like a flower.  Then I used another tool to pull and manipulate the glass quick enough to craft it into a BEAUTIFUL flower.  I loved the way it turned out.  I learned a lot this day.  We have to go through some intense heat and we can't see the flower that we are to become but our Creator does.  You see, God and Jesus are always knows as our physical creators who created the worlds and us, but they continue to Create and mold us to what they see in the long run.  It takes heat and pressure and pushing and pulling.  And quite frankly it's really hard. But it is worth every amount of heat.
I'm definitely not done being molded, I know there are some more trials ahead, but I know the hand of the Lord is in all things.
I am so grateful for the incredible people in my life throughout this process. I felt like I had at least 50 cheerleaders this whole time.  I don't know what I'd do without these individuals and I pray they receive the upmost blessings.
As for where I'm at right now, I'm wrapping up things physically (I hope).  Goal: no more surgeries this year.  Likely hood of the goal happening: rare.  There may be two more. But that is ok.  I have been saved and redeemed by the power of Jesus Christ this year.  I know on my own, I am nothing, but He is able to give my strength to break the bonds I feel bound by.
I'm headed to Shreveport in a week!  I'll live with the Simpsons, help with the kids, play with them more like it.  Hang out with Katie--which I cannot wait for, we haven't hung out FOREVER. Start my new job.  Volunteer at the hospital to determine which area of work I will do there. I either want to go to med school, PA school, NP school, or get my Mstrs in PHA.  IT will be great.
I have found the new and rejuvenated me this year. I'm starting to like the person I see.  It's okay if everyone else doesn't.  That's expected, but finally I am.
This year had heartache, stress, insecurities, betrayal, love, trust, self esteem, spirituality, surgery after surgery, great friends, the most darling nephew ever, GREAT family, and just being alive is plenty enough!
All in all, this song is my life this year
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.

10 years later...

I started this on 9/11/11 but didn't finish it til now.......

I haven't blogged in forever, but found a topic I am passionate about to get me writing again.  I remember 9/11 like it was yesterday.  I was in 8th grade and up to that day I was known as being pretty ditzy and out of sorts with reality.  I just flew on my own wavelength and had no desire to make some huge difference in the world.  I remember being afraid at school because rumors had gone around my small town that our arsenal was going to be a target as well which would have been a nuclear disaster.  I, naturally, believed the rumors and had a massive freak out.  My dad came home from work early that day to meet up with us right after school.  I RAN to him dying to know what had happened. I walked in the door sat down on the couch and will never forget what I saw.  Those images of people jumping out of the building and the dusty chaos beneath them and the second plane and then the other planes along with it.  I was terrified and I felt so sick inside.  And then I found myself in complete amazement at what the next days consisted of..the many firefighters and rescue workers who made beyond their best efforts to save any person they could find.
My dad kept on world events so he caught on to the names of Osama, and Afghanistan, and Taliban a lot quicker than the rest of us did.  My mom got out a map cause we didn't even have a clue what the Middle East was.  From that day forward I seemed to have some new sense of caring and passion.  I began following the news and politics like never before. I wanted to be involved.  I began my plans to unleash my political front that I knew was going to change the world. I wanted to be the President of the United States. I wanted to fix EVERYTHING.
I realized I wouldn't be able to get there, but I definitely wanted to make the difference I could with what I had.  I became more interested in being smarter or atleast more informed.  I started doing civil service work with my dad and to make a long story short, my life was changed.  From that day forward, I saw that things were not simply about me and my life, but such a larger scale and that there are everyday heroes.  There are people fighting to make this country better, this world better in the way they can.  I know I won't ever be the President but I know I will make a difference.  Thank you to those incredible heroes that strengthened and added to my life in such monumental ways.  God Bless America

Why

I just got done listening to Rascal Flatt's song Why (posted at bottom of blog).  It's pretty much where my head has been all day. I found out this morning one of my dearest most bestest friends took her life.  Words can't really seem to come out of an individual, me, who always has so much to say.  All I can say is live life the best you can.  Don't judge people for illnesses we may not see that they have.  Mental illness is one of the most difficult and most lonely. Only those who have truly been to that deep and dark place can even begin to understand...but even then, it's only the Savior that can be the one to save any one going through that personal hell.
Emily, I love you so much. You made my summer so much more endurable.  I don't know what I would have done without you.  I'll never forget you. I remember one Saturday before I was able to get my blankets out, you let me use yours and in so many ways you were always so giving to others.  You were so wise and had so much to offer to the rest of us, but you couldn't see in yourself what the rest of us did. I know you will not have this awful monster in your life anymore.  You have so much strength and I know you will use it in Heaven to bless so many.  We (the best CFC crew ever) will never forget the words of wisdom and love and support you showed us.  I wish we could have another moment together, but I know that's coming in Heaven.

Dearest Emily I love you. I miss you.

Thank you Hilary and Mother Teresa

Well, if I was ever wondering how completely stereotypically female I am, the results are in, and it's a positive.  So, I have shed another tear because of feelings of complete inadequacy and failure...I know many females can empathize.  We all seem to do it, right? Well, I hope I'm not the only one.  I seem to have these overwhelming dramatic feelings. I don't know what to do with these mascara ruining moments and many times don't even know why they suddenly pop up from the middle of no where.  

Well, today, even though I totally and completely appreciated the many lessons I learned from General Conference, I had a complete breakdown.  I have so much room for progress in every aspect of my life and despite my knowledge of the Savior's ability to make up in the bajillion areas for which I lack, I just got discouraged.  Well, there is always and will always be a cure to these moments. 

1. Talk to my mom...her words are like magic. And she loves me. Unconditionally. (and listens unconditionally)

2. Church music...ahh..sometimes Taylor Swift can do it for me, but when she isn't even enough Hilary Weeks is. 

3. Mother Teresa quotes. 

4. Be ALONE. 

Let me expound....

Ok, well, no need for expounding for on why my mom is on the list...if you know her, you know why. 

Hilary Weeks gets it...I don't know what her experiences in life have been, but that woman knows what it's like to be a Latter-day Saint female.  You see, I'm convinced that many of us can avoid some of the HUGE pitfalls out there but the mists of darkness get us big time.  Discouragement, inadequacy, the lack of ability to see eternal potential, I think these can really get us when we aren't paying attention.  Let me give a few quotes from some of her songs that struck home tonight, 

"He knew there’d be moments when no earthly words

Could take away your sorrow 
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through 
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do 
He will lift your heavy load and carry you"

Another one..

"But I need you by my side
I don't have the strength
To make it on my own
And Lord, do you hear my prayer
How soon will you answer me? "

And my absolute favorite

"It may seem simple all the little things you do, 

But the lives you touch matter so much, 

And there's no one else like you. 

Father needs you to stand tall and faithful..oh if you could see what he sees."

So anyways, finally, I love Mother Teresa....I don't understand how someone could be so phenomenally service oriented and not want to pull her hair out..anyhow some day I shall ask her..until then, I love her quotes. I google them regularly.  It seems as if there is always one that answers a question I have.  This week this specific quote hit the spot.  

      People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

            If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

            If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed              anyway.

           If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

            What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

            If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

            The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

         Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

         In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway. 

FINALLY, I think it's important we just sit by our self with our self completely isolated from what anyone can say to us besides God. There's too much noise in this world.  Too many people pulling us this way and that. As that great woman says, it was never between us and them anyway. SO I learned that talking to God is going to be much more beneficial than letting my mind be consumed with my mile long list of imperfections....He can take care of that list more than I can.  

Anyways, if anyone is feeling this way, try out this list. I believe it. 

The Illusion of Control

An interesting conversation I had last week helped me re-evaluate what I refer to as the illusion of control.  I have had a difficult time in my few adult years to understand what I truly have control over.  Growing up, I felt that if I did my best to try and be a "good little girl", everyone would get along and everything would be fine.  When my brothers would fight with one another, I would try and help create peace (well many times I'm sure I jumped in to fight too) but I knew I would receive praise from parents about being a peacemaker and being a "good little girl".  Well now I'm an adult, and I've realized life just isn't as simple as when I was seven years old.  There are some situations where no matter what you do, you won't come out with everyone thinking you were still the "good little girl".  Why is this? Because it's not in our control.  You can only do as much as humanly possible sometimes before you have run out of the area in which you can actually control.  What we can not control is how other people feel about us.  I can not seem to deal with this reality and find myself going crazy dealing with that possibility that it may be true.  We are all wired differently. What effects me in a particular way will not effect my neighbor in the same manner.  While I have a conversation with someone and get one thing out of it, someone else can have a completely different perspective.  
This is all okay, and in the end, everything will fall where it should...unless we are incapable of accepting what we can and can not control.  I have tried everything from making a list of a column of what I can control and a column of what I can not, journaling about it, reading books about it, talking to professionals, friends, family, etc, and I can not get myself to accept the reality.  
And then, I realized I had the answer in front of me the whole time.  President Ucthdorf's talk last October was an answer to my prayers.  He says, 
"My dear brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most. Let us be mindful of the foundational precepts our Heavenly Father has given to His children that will establish the basis of a rich and fruitful mortal life with promises of eternal happiness. They will teach us to do “all these things … in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that [we] should run faster than [we have] strength. [But] it is expedient that [we] should be diligent, [and] thereby … win the prize.”"


So the reason I love this so much is because I realize that by me freaking about the things, people, situations, feelings, etc. I can not control, I am not focusing on what matters most.  Continuing forward with what I can control instead of dwelling on what I can not would be the most important task I could carry out at this time in life.  I am so grateful for our modern day revelation that helps me in every aspect of my life!!

Going back to the reason I started this blog

A year and a half ago I was sitting in my room thinking about an impact a certain individual made on my life.  I so badly wanted to be able to share with the world how I felt and I wished everyone could have experienced that feeling.  I am feeling this way again, so here comes a sappy blog entry.  Bear with it if you want..

So, life has been crazy lately.  I have noticed a trend in my life and when it rains it pours. This is true with happy things and not-so-happy things as well.  However, as humans, we tend to notice the stressful things.  Anyways, life has been full...of a lot.  So today I ended up in a situation that could have been such an annoying and miserable few hours but ended up being one of the most teachable experiences of my life.  Because of a certain turn of events, I was feeling somewhat sorry for myself but as I stepped back, I realized I had so much to be grateful for. As I was going through a certain challenge, I saw that not only were there one set of footprints on the sand, there were like twenty, because I had so much support from those around me.

And then I met my new friend. My new friend had pretty much no one supporting him.. He's a severe alcoholic and was hospitalized today for SERIOUS alcohol poisoning.  He was so sick.  He was dropped off by a friend and didn't know when he was going to be picked up.  He sat in the ER room crying, like uncontrollable sobs.  My roommate and I felt sorry for him because no one was paying attention to him.  So, we did.  Jenny, with her incredibly open and hilarious personality, was able to make him feel totally comfortable.  And then I sat with him and talked to him about life.  I know I don't totally understand what he's going through, and truly I have very little experience with many of his specific heartaches.  However, I was able to relate to a certain extent and as I talked to him I was reminded why I love strangers.

My friend wasn't able to see himself the way God did.  He hated himself and figured everyone around him felt the same way.  It broke my heart to see the way he treated himself and the little respect he gave his body.  He has had so much disappointment and heartache that it just broke him.  He couldn't stand to see what his life had become and to deal with the horribleness of all of it turned to a source that seemed to give him some form of temporary comfort.  But, in the end, all it did was give him broken promises.

We all, in some way, find outlets to deal with our disappointment and frustration.  For my friend it was alcohol, but everyone does something.  If you don't, either you are reading this from Heaven cause you were translated or you haven't been pushed to your limits.  But one day we all will be pushed to our limits.  We don't know how we will deal with situations 'til we come across them.  What I do know is the Savior knows. He knows why my friend is doing what he is.  He isn't angry or even disappointed.  He feels so sad for him. I saw this as I looked at this sweet man in the eyes.  I felt so much love for him because of God's love for him, and I knew him. We all knew each other in Heaven and made promises to each other that we would help each other along the way. I am so grateful for this man. He may never know truly how much he helped me tonight.  I hope someday I can tell him when we sit and chat in Heaven.  However, God knows. And that's why He's in charge.  We won't understand everything in this world while we are here.  Someday we will.  Every now and then we get glimpses of what life is really about and why we are here. We will lose sight of it, but that's why God is in charge. He will gently remind us.  I am so grateful for my friend.  I love him.  I know he is my brother. We are all brothers and sisters and we need to treat each other as such.  Some people may judge my friend, but I know he has such great potential just as we all do.  I think the greatest Valentines present I ever got was the love for this man.  Because somehow (and someday I hope to understand how) it taught me to love myself.  We are all children of a loving Father, a God in fact, and we need to treat ourselves as His property, for that is why He sent His son, so He could claim us.

I am so eternally grateful for these reminders.  I am so grateful for the support I have around me.  I have such an incredibly loving family.  I get the nicest texts, the sweetest compliments, the most "i love you's", and frequent phone calls to remind me.  I am grateful for my roommates.  I am so blessed by them. They listen, they teach, they encourage, they help in so many ways.  I am so grateful for my wonderful home and visiting teachers, who are by far some of the most inspired people I have EVER met.  I am grateful for church leaders and former church leaders who are more of a family then anything.  I am grateful for strangers who really aren't strangers at all.  Just heavenly siblings I haven't seen in a long while.  I am so grateful God has a plan, because mine sure does suck, but His is miraculous.  He gives us everything we possibly want and so much more.

A Blessing that Goes Unrecognized

Sometimes I have no idea where my brain cells are...I created this great post around Thanksgiving and then realized I posted it on the wrong blog and so I copied the info to later post it into this blog and then must have copied something else, because it's gone...anyways sum of the story..I'm an idiot..no new news. And what sucks even more was that I spent a lot of time making that blog cute..so now I am just sad :( But..the good news is I can spend time on this post again and it's a happy post so it will make me even happier!

So there will be few posts that will be as raw and true as this post. My mind has been pondering this for a very long time and I have felt I just need to really express how I feel.  

A few weeks ago I was so angry.  I was throwing myself a complete pity party, which at the time felt completely deserved, but pity parties never do get us anywhere and that's beyond the point. This was beyond a bad day, but it was just ridiculously terrible week, probably in my top ten list of most awful weeks ever.  So do you have the picture in your mind of me being in a bad mood and hating life? Hopefully, when you picture Stephanie Burdick, your mind doesn't automatically go to that kind of mental picture, but many of you have seen the rather emotional side of me..anyways..let me proceed to the point of this blog

So, as life comes to an awful point, unknowingly I was rescued.  Whether it was the email from my far away and somewhat locked up bestie or the party my girlies drug me to or the embrace from my "utah mom", the burdens of this week went away...and up to this point I haven't felt them since.  I have thought of the rest of my "top ten worst weeks ever", and realized that each of these were also followed in the same way.  

In ways that I will probably never fully comprehend, but yet strongly believe, God has a very organized way of putting the people we need at the times in which we need them.  I have been given this blessing in more ways and at more times then I can ever fully express gratitude for.  God knows what my life is going to consist of and He knows there are many things He can not control without interfering with other's agency and so He uses angels on this Earth to help me out. 

As I endure different experiences, I hope I am then able to help others as well and it becomes a cycle.  Nothing feels better than being able to help or serve someone you love. This whole cycle is simple yet complex at the same time.  Whatever it is,  I know I have found it to be one of the most incredible blessings in my life.  

Thank you for the memories y'all. Thank you for lifting me up. Thank you for letting me lift you up when necessary.  Thank you for the drive up to Squaw peek. Thank you for the walks around the track while drinking "water" from diet coke cans.  Thank you for making me laugh as we get lost for the millioneth time. Thank you for the movie nights. Thank you for the lunch dates. Thank you for being the only one I can think to turn to late at night after I ran nine million miles and about wanted to die and you saved me with hot chocolate and a shoulder to cry on.  Thank you for letting me cry on your lap in sacrament meeting. Thank you for the late night cereal parties and 7th Heaven quotes. Thank you for the fun nights of partying! Thank you for dancing with me.  Thank you for taking me out for my birthday.  Thank you for making me a part of your family.  Thank you for introducing me to a new meaning of midnight snacks and the laughter of our "sos"ing.  Thank you for yogurt nights.  Thank you for metaphorically slapping me in the face when I needed it.  Thanks for literally literally literally saving my life when it wasn't convenient.  Thank you for knowing everything about me and loving me anyway.  

I know I haven't remembered all the times I am thinking of, but there are so many memories I have and each of these were times in which I can picture me being in a hard time and being rescued by one of you.  I love you all so much and am so grateful for all the angels in my life.  

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!!!

Although I love summer weather, I am a fan of this time of the year.  The holidays seem to bring out the best in people, well, maybe not Black Friday, but beyond that, we tend to look more towards Christlike behavior such as charity and service during this time of the year.  I love seeing Christmas decorations and hearing Christmas music everywhere, oh it's so exciting!
This Thanksgiving I did something I have never done before during a holiday break: I did absolutely nothing.  It was awesome. Jenny, my roommate and I, just hung out and watched movies, football, ate, slept, screamed, decorated for Christmas--our place looks LEGIT, and just had so much fun doing absolutely nothing! This is a lesson I learned this semester, sometimes it's nice to not have a to-do list or a calendar filled with this and that.  This semester has been the most chill four months of my life.  It's been great to regroup in many different areas I needed some improvement on.
Yesterday, the talks during church were focused on being grateful, and I realized I have so much to be grateful for.  I decided I would make a top ten list, like SportsCenter Top Ten.....here it goes
10. The ideas and dreams of the future. I can't wait to be a mommy! I can't wait to watch my daughter have her first ice skating lesson or my son catch his first touchdown.  I am excited for when the 49ers go to the Superbowl again and I am there with my boys. I am excited for graduation. I am excited for painting my children's playroom with my husband.  I am excited for everything life has in store, ups and downs, I just know whatever happens in life is part of this marvelous plan.  I love my life right now. Being single and having fun is always exciting, but I am grateful for the thought of the future that helps keep me on the right path.
9. The luxuries of life I have. Whether it's money for food, or shelter, or being able to attend college, or my ability to walk, there are so many things that I am grateful for that many people around the world don't have.  I don't understand it, but I am so thankful.
8. I have the greatest job ever. I love everything about health. I believe in it. I love my clients. I just love it. and I'm grateful for money!
7. Contributions and hard work of others. Whether you are one of my doctors or professors or my bank teller who always knows my name and is so good to me, I am grateful. Thank you for your hard work and for serving me and being kind to me.
6. Sunshine and Country Music...no need for explanation...they both just bring me a TON of happiness and smiles.
5. Football. This year has been awesome for me in football. I have had more time to watch football this year, then I ever have had since college.  The Razorbacks have done awesome.  It's brought me so much happiness.
4. Friends.  I am so so so fortunate for my relationships with others.  There are so many of you out there that are racing through my mind right now.  Each friendship fills a different need in my life.  I am blessed with the amount of people that can not only put up with me but truly love me.  I am so grateful that as of yesterday I have a nephew.  My best friends/practically family members Jared and Brittany gave birth to a little angel named Brady Michael Evans. I think he and I are going to have a special auntie-nephew relationship.  My best friend Sarah Schow gets home from her mission in fifteen days and I couldn't be more thrilled.  There are friends that have been in my life for a very long time and still haven't left, and new ones that love and accept me for who I am.  Some friends have come in the form of a whole family, a family that I couldn't have lived in Provo without. The people who have the awful responsibility of living with me and yet many of them are now my best friends.  Talking about an old friend yesterday who I loved very much and as he is no longer a large part of my life helped me realize that we truly are all so connected and God knows what He is doing.
3. Memories.  President Thomas S. Monson said, "God gave us memories, so we might have roses in December." I am so grateful for memories. There is nothing happier than sitting around with my family and friends and reminiscing about the good ol' days. The great thing about memories is they are created everyday. For me, it's a way to enjoy the happiness of the past while continuing to create happiness for now. I am also especially grateful for memories that help us see the hand of God in our lives. Moments we did not think we could pass through, and then we see the Lord lift us up and place us in His arms.
2. My family.  There are days, and there have been days this year, in which I felt so overwhelmed by each member of my family in one way or another.  However, I would take every single one of those difficult times because the good times have always and will always outweigh the challenges.  It's a choice to love people and to be happy with them, and I can honestly say I love my family and wouldn't change a single member.  My dad and I have some incredible memories and he has taught me so much.  Anything from details of a fumble to who Osama binLaden was.  My mom is my best friend. There is not another human being like her. Michael is one of my heroes. When I was a little girl and about to go into nursery, Michael was super worried about me and whether I'd be okay and he told my mom, don't worry I'll watch out for her.  He has never stopped. I don't know what I'd do without his advice.  Oh, and my little baby RyRy.  I love this boy so much, it's crazy.  I know God meant for him to by little man. I hope to marry someone who has a lot of the qualities of this adorable boy of mine.  I am so grateful he loves me so much and we have the relationship we do.
I love my aunts and uncles and cousins! I can't believe how close I am to some of them, and I feel so grateful. My grandparents love me so much and I have really appreciated this love and their examples.
I was also given some new family members this year, and I think we will have some good times together.
1. My faith in the Jesus Christ.  I have had some particularly difficult moments in life, and some specifically this year.  Several of them have been experiences very few people know about, and some of them have been experiences I have shared with many.  As grateful as I am for my family and friends, I know the only way I truly got through the particularly difficult moments was my Savior Jesus Christ. No one truly understands us the way He does.  This is why He is our personal Savior, because He is the only one who knows how to succor us, or deliver us. Every aspect and truth of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints helps me know God and my Savior better and for this I am eternally grateful.

My New Blog!

So, I have been having slight difficulties at work trying to figure out how to get enough information to my clients in the small time I have with them. So, I started another blog to help them with nutrition and it will have  a few other tips as well. I just need to finish getting it organized, but it's gotten started, thanks to Sarah for helping me with that. I'm an idiot on blogs! Anyways, it's steph-anappleaday.blogspot.com
I don't claim to be a cooking genius by any means. However, I am going natural and partially organic with two of my roommates, so I'm having a lot of opportunities to learn even more! I do enjoy cooking, so it's been really fun so far!! I am just loving my life! My mono is all gone, so I have energy and desire to get back to the thrills of life!
If you want healthy recipes, check my blog out. You'll be surprised how easy it really is to eat correctly.  You can get a lot of food for low amounts of calories, but without neglecting nutrients that our body must have!! My roommates and I are loving it!
We did a cleanse as well...not so fun, but it was needed, my body was overloaded. It was nice to rejump my immune system before winter!!
Anyways, if you want, check out the new blog!
Happy Eating and Exercising to all!

He Cares!!

I have the coolest story to share. I am so excited about something that happened this week.  So during conference, I began thinking about how much I miss President Hinckley. I loved that man so much, and even though I know President Monson is the current Prophet of God, I just have this attachment to President Hinckley, as I'm sure most of us do.
I have loved the YouTube Mormon Message videos the Church has been putting up every couple of weeks and I was thinking how great would it be if there could be one from President Hinckley.  I said a prayer about it, and then didn't really think too much about it for a couple of weeks.
Last week, I logged on to the Mormon Messages on YouTube, and sure enough, the latest video is from President Hinckley!! I was so excited, I may have cried.
I know that this is so silly, but I just think/know that Heavenly Father cares about the smallest to largest things in our lives.  It seriously made me so happy and feel so much love!

Conference and My latest Goal

It seems surreal to think another General Conference has come and gone. During one talk, they encouraged us to use our blogs to proclaim what we believe for our friends and family to read, so I will share my feelings from this weekend. General Conference, to me and I'm sure many, is a time to reflect about where my standing is and what progress (or lack of progress) has occurred in the past six months since the last Conference. This weekend was depressing for me in that aspect, to be honest. I really wondered what progress I have made. I couldn't think of any goals that I had reached or any bad habits I have overcame. In fact, some new bad habits popped up and some good habits decreased. I am so surprised with how many distractions there really are in this world. The thing that has been hard for me is that many of the distractions don't seem bad at first...and then they do just that--DISTRACT. I feel like my faults this year definitely stemmed from being initially distracted and then just spiraling down. I can't express enough how much I feel like the little things we do everyday are the BIG things. I know that if we begin to miss reading our scriptures and forgetting to pray and express our gratitude and ask for the Spirit to be with us throughout every day..eventually, we lose our place in life. We have so much purpose for being here. I know that we have a Father in Heaven who is watching over us and a Savior Jesus Christ who atoned for our sins and has felt all the pain we have to deal with. I know they are ready for us to talk to them! I hope I can have a better relationship with them, I know that I"m happiest when I'm doing the little things everyday. I know I'm the most miserable and not myself when I forget these little things that happen to be huge things! Elder Bednar said that we should live and focus on the Spirit being with us everyday, that is the way to make it in this crazy world. I know the things that I heard this weekend are true. I hope I can be a better person to show my gratitude to my Heavenly Father.

Okay so another thing that is on my mind that I am really, really excited about is health. Being in health and exercise classes, and working at Gold's Gym, a lot of time is spent thinking about health. I've really gained a deeper love and understanding for the Word of Wisdom. I have also been doing some readings from church leaders about health, and I decided that I am going to try out a new lifestyle. I haven't got it all figured out just yet, but it's going to be centered around natural health and beauty. It's in the very beginning stages, but once it's all figured out, I'm going to start a blog about it. It will focus on several different areas, but the main points of interest will be nutrition and exercise, spa-like treatments for hair and skin, and developing inner beauty. I am really excited!

I am going to start by doing a healthy, safe, and natural toxic cleanse. This will be especially good for me, because it will help boost my immune system and clean out my liver--both of which were completely wrecked by the mono and meningitis. Then, I am going to start the natural food meal plan. I'm also doing a "spa day" every Friday afternoon. I did one this past Friday and it was incredible. Anyways, there's a lot to it, but I'm going to try it and play around with it. It's not going to be like vegan or I'm not going completely over the top with anything, but I hope to really get to a place where my inner and outer body are at peace. I feel like this is actually one of the hidden challenges of our time, like Satan uses anything to slow us down, and I really think bad processed food can. And well, obviously, it hurts our heart, veins, etc. After I play around with this, then, I want to help other people achieve the same thing, This is why I love training. It's such a rewarding job. Oh, I just love it! I'm so excited for this adventure. Hopefully, I'll have a new blog up and running by November. I am headed home for a week soon, so I won't be able to do my cleanse till after I get back, because I will NOT give up my mama's food. :) But, once I'm back, I'm going to get it down!! Oooooh I just love living!

Family and Monday Night Football: Isn't it about...time?

Yesterday I was sitting, well actually, standing and pacing , as I watched 49ers Quarterback, Alex Smith turning over the ball to the Saints like it was their Christmas present. And as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in my brothers old and over sized but still ridiculously awesome Niners jersey, yelling at the TV; my mind flashed back to many years ago. If you would have told me when I was seven years old that I would have willingly chosen to change my plans so that I could watch a football game, I would have said you're crazy.

You see, I have a very distinct memory from a very, very young age. I was laying in bed, angry because I couldn't sleep because of the obnoxiousness of my boys. It was a common occurrence to be annoyed with all the testosterone in the house: I come from a family of only boys, besides my mom. I, being the only girl, felt I had many disadvantages (now, after living with girls for so long, I have found that I was actually very blessed :)) and I always had to voice my opposition to..well..everything. I used the, "daddy, I'm the only girl and it's not fair" complaint as much as possible.

Well, anyways, as I am laying in bed, I all of a sudden hear a very loud and deep, TOUCHDOWN 49ERRRRRSSSSS from my dad, followed by two other yelps from my brothers. I remember getting out of bed, walking out of my room and saying "BE QUIEEETTTT, I'm trying to sleep, you know". My dad told me to come watch it with them, and I walked out and sat in "the triangle". (This was a place on the couch that was perfect for my little tiny body, made by my dad's bent-knees against the couch.) I sat and watched the game with my boys..oh I love my three boys. I was probably 8 or 9 years old. My whole life I have known that when it comes to football, it's all about the Niners. My dad grew up loving them, and passed on the tradition to us.

Growing up, my dad was an extremely busy man. At this point in particular, he was opening up several additional branches, President of Rotary International, and President of Chamber of Commerce. He was also bishop. He was gone all the time. Stress was just my parents life, I don't know how they did it. Fall time meant football time. I knew that football games were just a part of life on Sundays, Mondays, and Saturdays. It seemed like something that I could never get away from, and I was more interested in watching the figure skating competitions, cheerleading competitions, or Boy Meets World. I remember at 7, 8, or 9 years old just waiting for the day I could control the TV and I would never watch this crap again.

Well, to make a long story short of how I grew to love the game, I did. I'm sure being in junior high and high school and going to the games made an impact. I'm sure that gaining an understanding of what was going on in the game helped. But the biggest reason: football represents my boys. One night I got home from ice skating practice. It was kind of a rainy night. Ryan had a lot of energy and in order to get rid of it, wanted to throw some ball in the front yard. So, being exhausted, but loving that little one, we went outside. I had to do 10 pushups every time I fumbled the ball. I loved it, well, maybe not in the moment of my 38th push up...

Anyways..By the time I hit college, I had a solid love of the game. I remember crying the first Friday night of the football season, knowing I couldn't watch my lil man play for White Hall. (even if he only cheered on the sidelines on some games) I remember crying the first time the Hogs played, knowing I wasn't in the good ol' South to enjoy the sweetness of D Mac's success. I remembering smiling from ear to ear the night in my freshman year, Ryan talked to me for THREE hours on the phone about different plays used by coaches and his opinions on them. The list goes on...

As time has passed and family dynamics have definitely changed, I still feel close to my boys through a game. We are all in very different places in life, geographically not being the only one, and yet, every time those Niners come on, and every time I hear, "Are you ready for some football..a Monday night party..." I think of me wearing one of my daddy's big t-shirts and shakin my butt singin that song. And then, in that moment of deja vu, the distance doesn't seem as far and the personal differences don't seem as separable.

It may sound dumb to think that seeing 22 guys on a field, all trying to get a ball to one side or the other can draw a family closer, but I believe it can. When it comes to family, it's all about the simple things; the memories; the not-so-picture perfect moments that are perfect in some bizarre way. It's about the moments that you think you can't wait to be over, but when they are, you'd do anything to have just another breath in that moment. With family, it's all about the time.

P.S. Are you ready for some football?? I am!